Twilight, eh? Once it was a time of day, now it's a plague upon the face of humanity. Or is it? (Yes. It is.) I've spent a good few years putting effort into avoiding Twilight. I prided myself on never having read the books or seen the films. It was the one exception to my Can't-Hate-Something-'Less-You've-Seen-It Rule. CHSLYSI for short. But no more.
Because I am so super-devoted to you, and because I have been thinking about monsters a lot, and because my morbid curiosity has grown too strong, I'm caving. Am I going to read the books? Hell no, I'm a busy woman. Plus, I have seen extracts from them and I don't think I could do that to myself. Good god, that sentence structure. I still have nightmares about her misuse of the word “chagrin”. The films, on the other hand – that I can do. As an incentive, I'm not allowed to watch any other films or television until I finish. Pray for me.
So in order to make this bearable, I'm recording my thoughts as I go along. Just for fun, let's count the number of times I say “Wait, what?” or “Jeeeeeez” or TALK IN ANGRY CAPITAL LETTERS. (Spoiler alert: it happens a lot.)
In the interests of full disclosure, I actually know quite a lot about what happens in Twilight already. Partly through osmosis, partly because I've read a lot of angry rants about the series on the internet, partly because I know actual living people who openly admit to enjoying this series (don't worry, they won't be living for long). I'd highly recommend this, in which one poor soul took it upon himself to blog his way through every single chapter of the series from beginning to end. I haven't read the books. I read this. It's good.
So, Twilight. First film. Off we go.
The film starts and I feel vaguely dirty, like I'm watching porn only less fun and with explicitly Mormon overtones. We open with a narration from our mumbly protagonist talking about “dying in the place of someone I love” – cut to a quick deer chase through the woods – “so I couldn't regret the decision to leave home”. Wait, what? (That soon, huh? This is going to go slowly.) Welcome to Non-Sequitur City. Population: umbrellas.
The narrator is, of course, Bella Swan. She arrives in Forks, Washington, and she's kind of depressed. Fair enough. It does look horrible. Like most of America that isn't New York or the Grand Canyon. What? Single Dad Charlie awkwardly tries to reconnect with her. No dice. “I cleared some shelves in the bathroom,” he says desperately. “Thank you,” says estranged daughter Bella, “That was really thoughtful of you because this is hard on both of us and we're going to make as much effort as possible to get along.” Only kidding, she pulls a face and says “Oh right. Only one bathroom.” Hmmm. This better not continue.
Outside, a guy in a wheelchair shows up and some dorky kid with long hair. We find out Charlie has been really looking forward to Bella coming to stay. I like Charlie more and Bella less. The two guys are introduced as Billy, a local Native American (and I'm sure this will be handled tastefully, with tact and dignity and – oh wait, it's Twilight) and his son, Jacob. Wait. Wait. That's Jacob? That's the hot werewolf my friends have been sticking posters up of, in flagrant defiance of the fact they're grown women and this isn't allowed? The hell? Jeez. My expectations of this film dip even lower.
Bella arrives at school, so I'm expecting some kind of dorky-new-kid-montage of her being unpopular but no, people literally start fighting over her. Thank god, for a minute there, I really thought we might have to go through a realistic scenario for a new student. Instead, boys love her, girls are jealous of her – yeah, I can really see why this mumbling, insecure-yet-inexplicably-popular girl has become the role model for tweens everywhere.
In the cafeteria, a bunch of models walks past and Bella is distracted by the sudden switch to slo-mo. New Frenemy Jessica fills us in on them: these are Rosalie, Emmet, Alice and Jasper Cullen (and you thought 'Felicity' was pretentious) and they all live together and also have sex with each other. Slightly Nicer Angela points out they're not actually related, which is how we know she's supposed to be the nice one. No, no, I'm with Jessica on this one. As far as she and Angela know, they're foster siblings. That's weird. Also, they all look way too old for high school. I mean, I know (spoiler alert) they're vampires and probably hundreds of years old anyway, but none of them look like high school students. Wait, what? Why do vampires need to go to high school? They're vampires. I think I'm getting a migraine. Jessica continues to describe them all in slightly bitchy ways. I like you, Jess. Let's be friends.
Anyway, then undead object of slavering adolescent lust Edward walks in and I have to pause the video because I'm laughing so hard. Let me just state here and now that I kind of like Robert Pattinson. He wasn't terrible in Harry Potter and he clearly hates his job in these films, plus the amount of crazy he receives on a daily basis is just sad. He called Stephenie Meyer crazy. He described Edward as “an angry virgin”. That's funny. But good god, he looks terrible. This is the man who we have to believe is the most (literally) supernaturally good-looking being in the whole wide universe. He looks...well, he looks dead. First Jacob, now Edward? Please film, give me some eye candy to help me get through this mess. It's that or strong drink.
I also have to pause the next scene quite a bit because I'm laughing so much. Bella goes to Biology class and – surprise – has to sit next to Edward because Stephenie Meyer is lazy. First he covers his mouth and gags when she comes near and, I must say, I'm also starting to develop something of a gag reflex regarding Bella Swan. Then Bella stares at Edward. Then Edward stares at Bella. Then Bella stares more at Edward. Then Edward stares more at Bella and then I stare incredulously at the shot where the wings of a stuffed owl are positioned directly behind Edward's vampiric shoulders. Because it's like he has wings. You get it, right? Like, angel wings. Because angels are perfect. And Edward is perfect. And he's like an angel. Because he's perfect. And beautiful. Like an angel. Who has wings. Do you want me to go over that again? No? Where are you going?
So Bella mopes about a) the fact that Edward thinks she's so repulsive he won't even come to school anymore and b) the fact that she has no friends. Despite ignoring the palpable efforts of her schoolmates to make friends with her. Hmm.
And then, fifteen minutes in – BAM. It's like another, much better movie has just started. People are running down corridors and doing parkour. Vampire parkour? Could be. Exciting. Also, Emmet the Vampire rides to school on top of the Vampire RV. Emmett might be my favourite character so far.
Sadly, things go back to normal as we then have our first conversation between Bella and Edward. As things go, it's not quite “she doth teach the torches to burn bright”. In fact, Edward stares at her and addresses her with the intensity of gaze and monotony of tone of a serial killer. Bella doesn't mind because the hot guy is talking to her. Wait, what? This is the interaction between the lovers that will define literature for a generation? This? It is also now inescapably noticeable that NEITHER OF THEM EVER VARY THEIR TONE OR FACIAL EXPRESSION. Where's the vodka. This is going to be painful.
Over the course of this conversation, we learn that:
Edward knows a suspicious amount about the national meteorological patterns of the United States. And asks questions like “Do you like rain?”
It takes Bella about half an hour to answer questions like “Do you like rain?”
Edward thinks it is appropriate to back girls into their lockers while making statements like “I'm just trying to figure you out. I find you very hard to read.” Presumably, this is his defence at the restraining order violation hearing as well.
Edward's eyes change colour from black to gold. They both look stupid.
Then that scene that we all know from the trailers happens. In the face of an oncoming truck, Bella channels every silent film heroine ever and stands there dumbly as her demise hurtles towards her on wings of death. No wait, here's her pasty CG-Eyed lover (see what I did there) to pull a Superman and bat that truck away like it ain't no thang. At this point in real life, Bella would probably offer her saviour a thank-you shag, or a least a cheeky blozzer round the back of the bike sheds, and the two would then ignore each other awkwardly for the rest of their time at school. There, I just saved you four books and five movies of diminishing returns. Sadly, Edward just stares at her (again) and runs away. Jasper is kind of cute though. Or maybe my standards are just rapidly declining all round.
ARGH. Why does all Edward's dialogue sound like a cross between an Old West sheriff dismissing a hysterical woman and a mass murderer seducing his next victim? At the hospital, we're introduced to Daddy Cullen (Seriously, a note on the vamp make-up here – I get that they need to be pale and interesting, but these people look unwell. Like a cult of unwell people who all have sex together.) and then Bella confronts Edward about his superpowers.
Bella: So you got over there pretty quick.
Edward: What? No. Girl, you crazy. I was standing next to you the whole time.
Bella: Except for the part where you were totally standing by your car.
Edward: Yer jest confused, little lady. You take a knock to that pretty little head of yours?
Bella: No, you were there! I saw you! And then you pushed the van away, just like in that episode of Superman but Raf can't remember which one it is!
Edward: Weeeeeellp, guess we'll never know. Though if you were to go around spinning crazy talk like that, no-one would believe you.
Bella: I wasn't going to tell anyone.
That there in italics? That's actual dialogue. By the way, I'm not reading into anything here. They play this scene like Edward is threatening her and Bella is scared into submission. But that's just one scene, right? Well, the next scene is him watching her sleep.
Seriously, if this was a horror movie, it could be great. Vampires are nature's stalkers – quick, silent, and they want to devour young flesh. I'd love a twisted, psychological thriller about a girl who falls for a vampire (as a result of reading Twilight, for bonus meta-points), only to realise he has developed a dangerous obsession with her, seeking to control her every action, watching her every minute of the day. Pitting her human courage against his superhuman abilities, she must emerge victorious. The film ends with her staking him through the heart, shouting “THAT WAS FOR THE SISTERHOOD. RAFAELLA OUT, BITCHES.”
Or something. She doesn't have to be called that. She could be called...Bafaella. Or something.
We then have a scene in which Edward listens in on Bella's private conversation, questions her about her movements aggressively, refuses to answer her own questions and concludes by telling her “You don't know anything.” Ring a ding ding, Bella, this one's a keeper.
This is followed by a scene in the cafeteria where Bella's non-vampire friends act like actual teenagers instead of uptight, plaster-of-paris-skinned jerks. And guess what? Bella acts like an actual teenager too. Kristen Stewart is a slightly less horrible actress for a moment. She makes a joke. I smile. It's a beautiful, beautiful moment amidst a sea of horrifying character interactions. Sadly, it doesn't last because Edward comes over and tries to pull his emotional whiplash stuff again. Again, it comes across as a mix between a thirteen-year-old kid painting his bedroom walls black and bawling “Nobody understands me!” and – I cannot stress this enough – a fucking serial killer. “What if I'm not the hero?” he growls. “What if I'm the bad guy?” He's admitting it! Run, Bella, run! You literally have it from his own mouth! What more do you need?! But no, Bella decides this cannot possibly the case because he's too perfect and beautiful and truck-repellant. Sigh. I give up on you, Bella Swan. You're on your own now. You are every blonde woman who walks into every cellar where the scary noise is instead of calling the police. So when Charlie finds your dismembered corpse, don't say I didn't warn you.
This is immediately followed by Bella telling Nice Angela that if she wants to go to the prom with Eric (Eric is a boy who likes Bella, though that doesn't really narrow the field much), she should ask him herself. “You are a strong, independent woman,” Bella tells her. Oh, you think you're so cocking clever, don't you.
Jacob turns up again and Jacob and Bella converse like normal teenagers. Bella says, “What are you stalking me or something?” I'd make a comment here about smug self-awareness not being charming or clever, but that's pretty much what this blog runs on. Anyway, Jacob tells some story about how his tribe (again, I'm sure the real life Quileute Tribe feel nothing but affection towards this suburban housewife pilfering their cultural history for fodder for a sub-par teen romance) are descended from wolves to defend against “the cold ones”. For the first time, I feel like this could be an actually interesting monster story, mainly because I'm going “WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES”. More of this, please.
In a stunning vein (no pun intended) of good fortune, the Good Vampire Film continues with a scene of three Flamboyant Evil Vampires being actual vampires, that is to say ripping out throats and walking cockily. Then we're back to Bella and her terrible life.
She's going prom dress shopping with her friends in a local town called Port Angelos and, no surprises here, is a massive bitch to them. She's not going to the prom because she hates fun but Frenemy Jess has asked her along for her opinion. Instead, Bell stares out the window looking bored and grunts “you look lovely” at each outfit. Well if Jess had wanted that, she would have brought her boyfriend along, AM I RIGHT LADIES? OH SNAP. BRING IT IN.
Anyway, maybe this is meant to show how Bella is mature and beyond such frivolous persuits but given that she's just thinking about a hot guy instead, it's not really working. Speaking of, Edward follows her to Port Angelos: Den of Vice, because that's what you do when you've spoken to someone four times, right? Right? Shit. Bella nearly gets raped because I guess even criminals can't resist her and Big Brave Eddie steps in to rescue her. Edward and Bella have dinner. Bella asks for answers (again). He responds with something like, “Maybe. I don't feel like it. Can I have ice cream?” Edward Cullen: four year old. He does, however, tell Bella the following:
I followed you because I feel protective towards you.
Other men were thinking bad thoughts about you.
I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
Edward Cullen: creepy, victim-blaming stalker
Bella does some googling and figures out he's a vampire, based on the fact that he
is super strong
is super fast
has cold skin
never eats or drinks
speaks like he's from the past (wait, what? When?)
can read minds.
Well Bella must be some kind of Sherlock Holmes or something because if I put those facts together about someone, I'd come up with David Blaine. But whatever, she confronts him and he confesses. And then – oh god, and then. Then he reveals the sparkles. This may be my favourite bit of the entire film, possibly because if I didn't laugh, I would cry. He steps solemnly into the light and, as the light hits, revealing more glitter than a Gay Pride march, he says, “This is the skin of a killer, Bella. THE SPARKLY, FABULOUS SKIN OF A KILLER.” I might have made that last bit up.
He also shows off his vamp abilities, saying this explains why he's been avoiding Bella: her blood smells tasty and he wants to avoid ripping her head off. He also feels the need to add, “As if you could outrun me, as if you could fight me off. Again, this should be the point in the horror movie where Bella starts running, possibly calling “challenge accepted” over her shoulder. We get more lovely, victim-blaming lines like, “I hated you for making me want you so badly. I still don't know if I can control myself.” Is that an elephant in the room? No, it's the metaphor for abstinence. Bells and Eddie decide to get it on anyway, giving my second favourite line of the whole film: “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” I'll just type that again. AND SO THE LION FELL IN LOVE WITH THE LAMB.
WHAT? WHAT? Brilliant.
Wait, we don't even get to see them kiss? The only thing this series has going for it is that is caters to the sexuality of teenage girls. And you just panned away from the kiss. Nice going, film-makers.
Edward and Bella show up to school together in a scene straight out of Grease (he even has shades), and then they chat some more about vampires. Edward finds it appropriate to throw casual references to drinking Bella's blood into the conversation. Bella goes for dinner at the Cullen's house, and everything is super awkward in more than the usual sit-com meeting-the-boyfriend's-parents way. Big sister Rosalie hates Bella so is clearly meant to be an antagonist, so naturally I can't help but agree with everything she says (maybe me and Jess can go and hang there sometime). Sister Alice is Manic Pixie Dream Girl of the highest degree, practically cartwheeling through the house in stripy tights bellowing “I'M QUIRKY”. Mummy Esme does precisely nothing. Bro Emmett, I like. We've discussed this. And Jasper just follows Alice around and doesn't speak. Daddy Doctor Carlyle Cullen, we discover, vamped them all when they were dying humans, so let's not dwell on the fact that of all the dying humans he must have seen as a doctor, the ones he necked were attractive teenagers. Edward casually threatens Bella again in conversation, then jumps from tree to tree like a flying squirrel with Bella on his back. But not before telling her to “hold on tight, spider-monkey.” Dude. It's not sexy.
Then we get to hear Edward playing the piano. Jeeeeez. Where's the goddamn plot in this movie? The evil vampires come back. Thank god. Only 70 minutes in. No wait, they're gone again. Instead we get more conversations between Bella and Edward. Jeeeeeeeeeeez. He admits he's been watching her sleep for the past few months. Not cool. They start snogging, and Eddie freaks out and jumps a mile, then blames Bella. That's really not cool.
Eddie formally introduces himself to Charlie and they talk about Bella like she's a three year old going on a playdate. Edward says, “She won't be home too late and I won't give her any sugar because I know how she gets. Also, no cartoons.”
In reality, he's taking her to play vampire baseball. I can't make up my mind as to whether this is really lame or actually kind of cool. Luckily, I don't have to decide because Emmet does a little dance. He is deff my fave Cullen. And then look! Plot shows up! Making an entrance so dramatic it could be the opening to a heavy metal video. Yeah, vampire face-off! Even if the evil vamps are just posing dramatically and the Cullens are just hissing in a way that would be frankly embarrassing if you saw your old seven-year-old cousin doing it while playing “wampires”.
Aaaaand not even that disappointing bit of conflict lasts because they all agree to just play baseball. Lame. Also lame? Vampire innuendo. “I'm the one with the wicked curve ball,” pouts Victoria, the evil-girl-vampire. Your whole existence is based around sucking and exchange of fluids. Do better. Meanwhile Edward and another evil vampire are staring at each other. Edward sure loves to stare.
Plot! James (seriously? James is your best vampire name?) the Evil Vampire wants to track Bella and kill her for some lazy and unconvincing reason, so she has to skip town. I'll say this, the scene where she convinces her dad she doesn't want to live with him is surprisingly emotional – possibly because Charlie is played by a real actor and not the corpse of one being zapped by cattle prods. Emmet jumps on top of cars again. Wheee! Rosalie questions the wisdom of risking everyone else life to save Bella's (at last, some sense) and Daddy Cullen explains why Bella is part of their cult now: “Bella is with Edward, so she is part of this family now. [ominous pause] We take care of our family.” Also when Bella is leaving, Eddie says to her, “Bella, you are my life now.” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
James comes up with some kind of convoluted plot involving kidnapping Bella's mum only he didn't really and leading Bella to her old ballet studio. Except he's in her old house to make the ruse. Why not just entice her to the house? Probably because a ballet studio looks cooler, that's why. Lots of room for insultingly obvious symbolism with broken mirrors. We get a restatement of Bella's opening voiceover, only now she says she doesn't mind dying because it brought her to Edward. Wait, what? Dum-dum-dum, it's a trap! James basically admits he wants to kill Bella to piss off Edward. I like James.
Yay action! An actual action scene! But James can apparently be beaten by Edward, so maybe he isn't so great. Just as Eddie is gearing up for some slaughter, Carlyle shows up all “no, remember who you are”. Boo. What happened to the “rip him apart and burn the pieces” stuff from earlier? Wait, what? It's ok for Alice/Jasper/Emmet to kill James? Oh right, because then it can be just out of focus enough to keep the PG-13 certificate, while Edward can hold Bella's hand as she haemorrhages in the foreground, and every right thinking person can be royally pissed off that we don't get to see the only cool thing promised in this film. Bella has been bitten by James so she has vampire “venom” in her bloodstream. Eddie volunteers to suck it out but if he doesn't stop, she'll get vamped. Not quite sure where this fits into the abstinence metaphor to be honest. So Edward nearly turns her into a vamp but doesn't because that would be far too interesting. He does this through the power of montage.
Bella wakes up in hospital, where her mum says Edward and his dad went to find her and she fell down two flights of stairs and through a window at her hotel. Yep, because if two men I'd never met before showed up with my daughter suffering severe injuries, I'd automatically believe them too. We learn that of the three evil vamps, one is harmless, James is dead, and Victoria ran off. So she definitely won't be showing up as the villain of future films then. Edward says Bella has to leave Forks and she has a hilariously epic freak out, which is too good not to link (sorry about the quality, only clip I could fine). Also, why are there still 15 minutes of this film left to go?
Oh right, the stupid prom. Well, Jacob shows up (Hi Jacob! Having sat through this movie, I already like you better than anyone else in it!) and says his dad thinks Bella and Edward should break up. Does no-one in Forks have anything better to do than comment on their relationship? There's a moment of Edward/Jacob tension but it's 110 minutes too late to save this movie. Edward finishes off his general d-baggery by lifting Bella over steps like he's her parent, saying “prom is an important rite of passage, I didn't want you missing it” like he's her parent, and pulling her up onto his feet to dance. Like he's her parent. Bella rounds off her general unlikeability by showing up to prom and being snobby about her friends who are daring to have fun and act their age, and not like a married couple from the 19th century. One again, there is another conversation about Bella being vampified and oh, oh, oh, he's gonna do it! Psych. Nope. You have to wait another four films for that.
And we end with a shot of Victoria. At the prom. Why? Who knows? A better is question is: who cares?
So my conclusion on Twilight Part 1 is that it's not terrible, just really really dull. I think the best thing you can say for it is that it has some nice locations, even if the director doesn't know how to frame a shot beyond uncomfortable close-ups of the leads or way-too-wide shots of the forest. There's some goldenly, gloriously bad lines of dialogue, favourite obviously being “This is the skin of a killer, Bella!” *sparkles*. “And then the lion fell in love with the lamb” runs a pretty close second because I commend any young man in his early twenties who can say that without sniggering. But it's all downhill from there. The pacing is terrible – all the plot is in the last twenty minutes of the film and also makes no sense. Stewart and Pattinson are fairly terrible leads, both mumbling, frozen-faced, charisma vacuums, emo-ing and indie-ing their way through a mediocre love story. But what gets me most is that Twilight is frustrating: the rare moments of humour play well, as do those of teenagers being actual teenagers. Unfortunately, everything just collapses under the weight of its own simultaneously under- and over-written ponderousness.
The major problem, of course, is the central relationship. If Meyer had written or been trying to write a study of the way desire is bound up with danger – if Bella had been a heroine with some agency and personality and strength, fighting her own desires for a man she knows will kill her in the end – that might have been compelling. As it is – retrogressive, with unlikeable leads – why should we care?
Wait, what? Count: 7.
Jeeeez count: 3.
CAPSLOCK count: 10.
See you for Part 2: New Moon, and keep watching the skies! Wait, that's not right.
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