Gather round, kids, it's confession time. Now, this is very hard for me. I, Jane Shakespeare, have always proudly called myself a Joss Whedon fan. Hell, I might even say I'm a fangirl. (If you don't know the difference, you clearly haven't been on the internet very much.) But in all my nearly twenty-two years on this planet, I have never watched Buffy.
GASP TURN IN YOUR GEEK LICENSE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY. ALSO YOUR FEMINISM LICENSE WHILE WE'RE AT IT.
But Officer, let me correct myself. I have never watched Buffy....until now.
Because I, in a fit of what I term 'productivity', have been mainlining episodes of this sweet, televisual goodness like all the illegal streaming sites are going down tomorrow. Which they may well do if SOPA has its way. (Your slightly outdated satire quota of this blog has now been completed. Thanks for reading.)
And what I must say is this: YOU GUYS WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME.
All those times when someone went "You've never watched Buffy?" and walked away from the conversation leaving me in no doubt that they thought a little less of me as a person, I kind of assumed that they were being weird because, like, it's a just a TV show and certainly I have always been measured and grounded and suchlike about fictional mediums and not at all prone to sweeping overreactions and abuse of the capslock button. I'm so sorry, universe, I retract everything. I now realise I've been letting you down by not engaging with one of the finest on-screen portrayals of attractive teenagers that our times had to offer.
Btdubs, from here on in there be spoilers for Seasons 1-2 and a bit of Season 3. Spoilers that are fifteen years old and that everyone in the known universe has seen except me but spoilers nonetheless.
So the very first thing I am struck by is how incredibly 90s everyone looks, which makes me happy and sad at the same time because on the one hand the 90s were a truly tragic era for self-expression but on the other, hello childhood. Seemingly all this 90s chic has wormed its way into my subconscious and thus my wardrobe, because once I start watching I spend the next week looking like Monica from Friends circa Season 3 or, on better days, Linda from Press Gang.
My second reaction is to curse how wrong I was. Somewhere back in the early 2000s I got the impression that Buffy was a show about Sarah Michelle Gellar being hot and giving teenage goths something mainstream to call their very own. Which it is, but it isn't. I should have known from Firefly, really, that Whedon doesn't take on a genre unless he can subvert the hell out of it. His recent forays into super heroics should have taught me that. It isn't perfect. There's some really dud episodes, like the one with the Internet Demon Robot, which I guess is Joss Whedon's equivalent of a Stranger Danger After School Special or something. In fact, most of Season 1 plods along at a nicely goofy pace and the monsters are fun rather than scary. The praying mantis/femme fatale thing is well done, the one where Xander gets possessed by a hyena demon confirmed all my worst impressions of him, and even the one with the ventriloquist's dummy (usually a fast-track into my nightmares) is just kind of silly. Also having 'The Master' as your boss fight villain just makes me think that no self-respecting Time Lord would be seen in such passé attire, no matter how evil he was.
The show really grows some balls throughout Series 2 though. I particularly liked how much they upped the seriousness of Angel and Buffy's relationship, playing off that teenage intensity, and then going "OH BUT YOU THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE NO REPERCUSSIONS, EH?" Without making obvious comparisons with certain contemporary teenage dramas concerning romancing the undead, it's a tremendously clever way of using a sappy teen romance to further plot and character development. In fact, you could say that of the whole show: it has this gleefully self-conscious B-Movie feel about it - for every bit of "Monsters in High School!" cheesiness, there's a snarky one-liner commenting on how cheesy and ridiculous it is. My favourite so far is in the Series 2 opener from some kid in the hallway: "This is going to be our year for the football team! If we can just practice really hard, do well, and hope the unusually high death rate goes away!"
I love the characters too. It's sort of impossible to dislike Buffy, even if I have started to tune out during her "my life is so hard" episodes. I mean, obviously it is, but it's taking screen time away from characters I like more. Xander starts off sort of awful but has become less awful as it progresses. The bit of me that painfully identifies with Willow at that age kind of gets it though as he is pretty nice to look at, and would be comic relief were it not for the fact that everyone's lines are at least as funny, all the time. Willow is adorbs and would definitely have been my favourite had I watched the show at a younger age. By pop cultural osmosis, the two things I know about Willow are that she's a lesbian and she's a witch and so far neither of those things are greatly in evidence so I guess Joss really goes in for this whole 'character development' thing. It's almost a shame because I really, really like Oz and have a dim memory of confiding in a schoolfriend that I kind of fancied Seth Green in the Austin Powers movies (well, the good ones anyway) and her asking if I watched Buffy because he was a cute werewolf in that. So yeah. I guess. Cordelia is also sort of great and I am enjoying her horror at finding herself in a relationship with Xander (taking a bullet for womankind there, one feels). I spent the first series being surprised at how swoony I found Angel and his throaty-voiced angst but then it became apparent that David Boreanaz ages at thrice the rate of a normal human being and I've kind of gone off him now. Also, is his soul on elastic or something? Jesus, man, get a grip.
And Giles! Giles is consistently excellent and hey, he's a British character on American TV who isn't evil or sporting a completely ridiculously accent so that's progress, I guess. Though speaking of ridiculous British accents, I was sort of aware that Spike had Billy Idol hair and a leather jacket but holy crap, that voice was not at all what I was expecting. By which I mean, I did not expect to spend the next hour wandering delightedly around my house bellowing, "OI'M SPOIKE, THE COCKERNY VAMPOIRE, SO OI AM, SO OI AM. MOI GELFREND'S NAME IS DROOOOSILLAH. OI'M A BAD, ROOD MAN." Seriously, he sounds like a cross between Michael Caine and Dick van Dyke. (Try saying any of this to a female who was in her early adolescence at the time of airing and they look at you like you've just kicked a puppy.) Drusilla is a product of Whedon's apparent fascination with pretty girls doing bad Mockney, I guess (see also River Tam). We've also been introduced to Faith and considering that Eliza Dushku was seriously grating on me by the time I got to the end of Dollhouse, she's not too bad here.
But mainly I am struck by how much I would have enjoyed this had I watched it as a kid. Maybe not when it first aired (I would have been seven and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was already scaring the crap out of me and my over-stimulated imagination) but in my early teens. Thus all my reactions to the show came accompanied by the voice of little thirteen-year-old me, who - bespectacled, dead straight long hair, bookish - would have had no trouble identifying with lovely, insecure Willow, safe in the knowledge that I would never be as cool as Buffy, no matter how many times I almost threw someone in my after school judo class, and would probably end up spending my days watching the Xanders of my life lust after every other girl but me. Thirteen-year-old me was remarkably accurate in her predictions.
So to finish, I leave you with this touching scene, of a nominal adult failing to live up the expectations of her younger self.
Now Jane (21) and Then Jane (13) are sitting on a cloud somewhere, eating popcorn. No wait, that makes it sound like they're dead. On a sofa, watching Buffy. Yeah, that'll do.
Now Jane: So Xander is pretty much the worst, right? He just needs to stop.
Then Jane: I like his eyes.
Now Jane: Oh god, no. Honey.
Then Jane: He's funny. We like funny guys.
Now Jane: Yeah but there's a difference between funny and just an awful human bei- holy crap, is that Xander in that tiny bathing suit? I do not recall any of the nerds I know being that ripped.
Then Jane: Is that - why are you drooling?
Now Jane: Don't worry about it sweetie, you won't have your sexual awakening until Pirates of the Caribbean comes out this year.
Then Jane: Anyway, Xander is a better life choice than some bad boy who just broods and is all mysterious and -
Now Jane: Shut up, Angel is onscreen.
Then Jane: You are a very disappointing future version of myself.
Now Jane: Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, your generation's angsty vampire-human romance is so much better than the next generation's. You see that there, when Buffy says that being stalked isn't a big turn on for a girl? Remember that, Young Jane. There will come a time when that isn't taken for granted.
Then Jane: I've just started identifying myself as a feminist, you know.
Now Jane: And in a couple of years you'll actually know what that means.
Then Jane: Future Me...
Now Jane: Yes?
Then Jane: I know I said that liking bad boys was stupid...
Now Jane: Yes?
Then Jane: ...but Spike makes me feel all funny inside.
Now Jane: Ah. I was afraid of this. I think we need to have a frank and open discussion about the facts of life.
Then Jane: I know about sexing, I'm not an idiot.
Now Jane: Jesus, no. I'm talking about something much more devastating and potentially life-ruining. I'm talking about cheekbones.
Then Jane: That sounds exciting.
Now Jane: Oh, it is. At first. But pretty soon it's all you can think about and then before you know it you're losing whole days on Eddie Redmayne. You drift off in the middle of a lecture because the tutor says something that sounds like 'Fassbender' and when you wake up, it's dark. Cheekbones are dangerous. You shouldn't be messing around with that shit.
Then Jane: Pfft, you're such a square, Future Jane. I bet I'll be fine.
Now Jane: Oh, honey. We can but hope. Anyway, you're kind of right about bad boys not being worth the effort. While Future You will be drawn to Spike's nigh-on Michelangelan bone structure, you will also harbour a secret soft spot for Oz.
Then Jane: Oz? Oz? Future You, I think there is something you are not telling me. Are you on the marijuana?
Now Jane: No! Though, FYI, not nearly as big a deal as they tell you in PSHE. But yes, Future You will be drawn to this guitar-playing teenage werewolf and feel really weird about fancying Seth Green, even if he is all young and cute and quietly deadpan. And then Future You will reveal this aberration to the world in the form of a blog that combines pop culture with rage and far too much spare time.
Then Jane: What's a blog?
Now Jane: Trust me, you can wait eight years to find that one out.
Then Jane: Hey, Future Me, can I ask you something? About the future?
Now Jane: No, you don't get married to Orlando Bloom but you'll also be pretty over him by the end of the year.
Then Jane: No...how does Harry Potter end?
Now Jane: You cry for three hours.
Then Jane: Yeah. I thought so.
Finis.
Thursday 17 May 2012
Thursday 3 May 2012
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE: CAPSLOCK MINIMAL (Spoilerific)
Spoilers, my pretties. So many spoilers.
The Avengers is five star, solid gold, Class A blockbuster entertainment.
There, I wanted to get the obvious bit out of the way.
But THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER, YOU GUYS. Sorry, I'll ease up on the Capslock after the hammering it took in my reaction post. (There are, in fact, subtle references to two of the Avengers in that sentence. Answers on the back of a postcard.) I don't think I've anticipated a film this much since Toy Story 3 and while it didn't shred my psyche into weeping shards of emotional shrapnel like that one did, it certainly pushed me well into 'hyperventilating nerd' territory. For those of you in doubt, it's not a great look. In terms of plot, it's a standard three-act structure: threat is set up, threat is contained, threat breaks loose for epic final battle. If I had one niggle, it would be that the 'threat is set up' part takes a while to get going but then again, there's a lot of story to get in there, given that it ties in to every single film from the franchise so far. And while I predicted that the Tesseract (last seen being retrieved from the Arctic in Captain America, and then making a cameo appearance in the stinger for Thor) would be the film's chief MacGuffin, it was a) actually not a MacGuffin and b) extremely clever as it gives each of the Avengers some form of personal investment. Captain A already had to face-off with it once, it emits gamma radiation so Bruce Banner must provide his particular form of big green wisdom, Iron Man's dad was the one that yoinked it from the depths in the first place, it's a Nordic god thingamabob so Thor has to get involved, and Hawkeye gets zapped by its blue glowy powers in the first ten minutes so Black Widow spends much of the film silently vowing revenge for her squishy-faced companion.
Despite the line-up of A-listers and superheroes, the real star of the show is Joss Whedon. He keeps the plates spinning so deftly that it never feels like there's any fan-based Avenger favouritism going on. Iron Man's heroic sacrifice in the closing minutes of the battle does not, for example, feel like a writer pandering to one of the Internet's favourite characters but rather the necessary ending to his character arc. If you are reading this without having seen the film and are suddenly stricken with doubts over Tony Stark's fate then I'll just say that Iron Man 3 is set for release next year and I was really definitely not at all taken in by it, not even for one tiny little second, not me, and it would have been extremely silly if I had, say, whimpered a little.
There's some stunningly Whedonish dialogue too; even the throwaway lines sound like they've been culled from scripts for unaired episodes of Firefly ("Barton, take them down." "It would be my genuine pleasure, sir.") and, of course, it's extremely funny. Thor and Loki get some pseudo-Shakespearian speeches that don't so much walk the fine line between the grandiose and the ridiculous as hop from one side to the other cackling with glee. I already mentioned the "mewling quim" line in my reaction post but special points also have to go to Loki's villainous opening parlay: "I am burdened with glorious purpose. And cheekbones like goddamn fish slices, seriously." (Disclaimer: only half of that line was written by Joss Whedon.) Being Whedon, he also gets to satirise his own writing with Iron Man gleefully snarking at Thor, "Doth mother know thou wearest her drapes?" Occasionally one sensed that there was a Whedon line struggling to get through the performance of a non-Whedon actor (cameos from Alexis Denisoff and Enver Gjokaj noted though) but really, you'd have to give many more fucks than I actually do.
It also became apparent what a good choice of ring-master Whedon was when the film opened with some hardcore Trekkie-style sci-fi. Ok, so technically superheroes are science fiction but not in the same way as, like, aliens or whatever. Which is odd, because Marvel comics have a long history of courting the extraterrestrial - the whole Phoenix Saga in X-Men, for example - and yet aliens have never really made it into the films in a big way. Well, there was the Venom/Symbiote business in Spiderman 3 but given that its major threat seemed to be toward's Tobey Maguire's wardrobe, I think it's better off forgotten. Joss, however, pulls off the alien invasion with aplomb, as well one might expect.
But as I said, the main part of this deftness is the way in which Whedon keeps every super-and-non-super-powered plate spinning for the full two and half hours. In order to do them justice, let's examine the major players one by one. Buckle up ladies, because oestrogen levels in your bedroom are about to go way, way up.
Bruce Banner/Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)
Traditionally the hardest superhero to do onscreen, Whedon pulls off a masterstroke here by pointing out the intrinsic comedy value of a mild-mannered scientist with - as Iron Man puts it - "breath-taking anger management issues" combined with advances in Golum-style motion capture technology. Ruffalo surpasses my (admittedly reserved) expectations in the role, finding something surprisingly touching in Banner's "I-just-want-to-be-good" Jekyll persona. His explanation of the 'secret' to his control over "the Other Guy" left me a little baffled though - bounding away pre-Hulk, he turns and one-liners to Captain America, "You want to know my secret, Cap? I'm always angry." I guess there must be an in-depth explanation somewhere on the internet, but in the meantime I'm going to imagine this scene took place later:
Iron Man: Did Banner ever tell you what the secret to his whole rage deal was?
Captain America: Oh yeah, he says he's always angry, or something.
Iron Man: Jesus, guys, did you hear that? Banner's always angry. Wait, what does that even mean? Holy shit, does that mean he's the Hulk like, all the time? We've got to stop inviting that guy to our parties.
Or something.
Captain America/Steve Rogers (Chris Evans)
So, the good captain might be my least favourite Avenger, but he's still decent, in every sense of the word. I think the problem is that he's a nice guy and he has a strong moral code and, oh yes, he uses a defensive weapon to show how he's a protector so we're all supposed to nod sagely and go "aaw, what a great guy" when secretly we're going "FOR GOD'S SAKE, ROGERS, BLOW SOMETHING UP." My feeling is that he could have been a little goofier if they wanted to give him some more defining character traits (though the Wizard of Oz moment was very sweet) but they went with a leadership arc, which also worked fine. Of the girls I went to see the film with, he was also the only Avenger who no-one wanted to sleep with, having been declared "meh". Then again, it's entirely possible that we just can't get past a superhero called Captain America.
Thor (Chris Hemsworth)
I'm discussing Thor next because I kind of bracket him with Captain America in the big, dumb and good-natured category of superhero. However, Thor/Hemsworth has something that Cap/Evans does not: comedy gold. Whedon sends up the whole Norse god idea with tongue firmly in cheek and Hemsworth joins in with evident glee - because, seriously, I get that comic book writers were on a lot of crack in the 60s, but they took a very early lunch the day they went "Oh hey, let's just nick this whole Norse mythology deal. Maybe we'll put some wing doodads on the helmet though. Good work, Tim, no-one'll notice." Getting Branagh to direct the first film was also sort of genius and pretty much cements Thor as one of the best not-even-that-guilty pleasures of all time. The only real beef I had with Thor was that Thor himself is such an unlikeable douche for the first half that my (admittedly morally unsound) sympathies gravitated so naturally towards Loki that they've kind of stuck there. But post-Thor, the eponymous god has learnt some humility and is just really, really charming and likeable and funny. Not my type but if he ever transcends the bounds of fiction and finds himself in South West London, I have a friend who would be very willing to give him the guided tour.
Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Junior)
How fucking cool is Iron Man? Or Tony Stark? Or Robert Downey Junior? Individually they all have something fundamentally cool about them but combined, they create a tsunami, nay a firewall of charisma. Downey Junior predictably gets the best lines too, coming up with several nomenclatures for his eclectic teammates that made me nigh-on weep with joy. There was also some much-needed character development in play so we can all look forward to a slightly humbler Stark taking the helm in Iron Man 3, for which I now have high hopes. Still cool though. Still fucking cool.
Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson)
And one cannot mention cool without mentioning Samuel L Jackson in the same sentence. It's actually illegal in six different states. At one point, he holds a bazooka and shoots down a plane. Off an airship. 30,000 feet above sea level. Also, the dude is 60. You can't argue with that. There's no-one else who could play a man with no superpowers other than ineffable sang-froid, yet can keep reasonable control of a group of divas with planet-destroying abilities. I mean that literally: when they rebooted the Marvel universe, the comic book artists purchased the rights to Sam Jackson's appearance just because they too knew that you will never find anyone better to play this role. Ever.
Agent Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg)
Continuing with the 'normals', Coulson might be the normalest normal ever to kick ass and take names in an extremely polite fashion. Since I've warned for spoilers, I'll do my inconsolable weeping over his death now, thanks: WHY WHY WHY CURSE YOU WHEDON, DAMN YOU AND I HOPE ALL YOUR PETS DIE HORRIBLY. That was a masterclass in making you like a character, just so that you could kill him off. Gregg is understated and wonderful, his dialogue is sharp and sweet, his fanboying of Captain America is adorbs, and his badassery in his dying moments is tear-inducing. Coulson, you'll be sorely missed.
Hawkeye/Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner)
An Avenger and S.H.I.E.L.D. agent with no superpowers, I've known I was going to like Hawkeye ever since his cameo appearance in Thor. I didn't know I was going to fucking love him. Hawkeye is so incredibly boss, I can't even form coherent sentences. Renner is a) very funny and b) manages to make his uniform of sleeveless vest and bow-and-arrow convincingly heterosexual. A couple of the film's finest "fuck, that was cool" moments belong to him, most notably the shoot-behind-you-without-bothering-to-look and the turn-and-shoot-as-falling-off-a-building. Those old chestnuts.
Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson)
And we can't talk about Hawkeye without discussing Black Widow. Again, in the interests of getting the blindingly obvious out of the way, Scarlett Johansson is very hot. In fact, she's almost breathtakingly hot in this film. But that is so, so, so, so not the point of Black Widow (much) because good lord, she's a killing machine. I mean genuinely frightening. I would willingly put the next few Iron Man films on hold if it means we can get a Black Widow/Hawkeye film first. I want to see Budapest. I want to see him going to take her out and deciding to recruit her instead. I want more fights like the epic smack down in the control room. I want to see her dark and mysterious past and all the delicious attendant angst that goes with it. Gah, I want more. Now. Please. Fourteen-year-old boys everywhere will thank me.
And speaking of delicious attendant angst, let's just take a moment to talk about our villain.
Loki (Tom Hiddleston)
I'll be brief, I swear. Well, ish. Now, I will put good money on a redemption arc for Loki by the time the Marvel Cinematic Universe is done. Because Loki is basically a really shit villain. He's hopelessly outgunned for the majority of the film, allows himself to be outmanoeuvred and manipulated countless times and - this is the kicker - everyone knows it. Tony Stark takes great delight in pointing out that Loki has wilfully antagonised some of the most powerful beings in the universe and seems not to give a flying alien fuck. Thor makes no bones about the fact that his little brother clearly just wants to play with his toys. Even Coulson deadpans "you lack conviction" before promptly dying. Add to this the fact that it's not even his own brand of divine retribution that he's putting into play - rather, he's more like a middle manager for the Chitauri's planned takeover bid - and, yeah, Loki really isn't a great villain at all. His villainous demands amount to classic Youngest Child temper tantrums. Even his undeniably pimpin' outfits fuel the overwhelming sense of "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MEEEEEE! NO SCREW YOU, THOR, THE PEOPLE ARE HERE TO SEE ME."
Look, I don't know if it's Whedon's writing or Hiddleston's performance but Loki is still dancing ever so slightly on this side of the redeemable. Not forgivable, but redeemable - probably through dying. If there isn't some kind of heroic self-sacrifice waiting at the end of Thor 3 or The Avengers 2, then I'll eat my winged helmet. It's in his nature. Villain motivated by greed/lust for power/Iago-esque-for-shits-and-giggles (cf. the Joker, Doctor Doom) = timely defeat and the world breathes a sigh of relief. Villain motivated by jealousy/insanity/extremely dysfunctional family relations (cf. Doctor Octopus, Two-Face) = humiliating defeat or redemption equals death. I know my genres. And so does Loki, I suspect.
Oh and by the way, if you were wondering whether Loki's villainous ineptitude tarnished my shiny, near-worshipful love for him, then what are you, new? As far as I'm concerned, anyone with those cheekbones gets a free pass. To be honest, I found him kind of endearing (mass-murder aside).* Hiddleston sells the role with marvellous aplomb too. He must have an assistant just to pick the scenery out of his teeth.
All in all, The Avengers is a sustained and exhaustive exercise in being as awesome as is humanly possible in 140 minutes. And even if it wasn't, I was never going to hate a film that gave me a legitimate excuse to shout "AVENGERS ASSEMBLE" across a crowded club as a way of finding errant group members. God bless you, Joss Whedon, and all that sail in you.
What an unfortunate mental image to finish on.
*Charlie Brooker compares Hiddleston's Loki to Mad Men's Pete Campbell, another fictional sociopath for whom I have unfortunately tender feelings. The management would like to point out that a) tastes in fictional men do not in any way reflect tastes in non-fictional men and b) if anyone ever invents some kind of universe-warping raygun that melts the bounds between fiction and reality, I am fucked.
The Avengers is five star, solid gold, Class A blockbuster entertainment.
There, I wanted to get the obvious bit out of the way.
But THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER, YOU GUYS. Sorry, I'll ease up on the Capslock after the hammering it took in my reaction post. (There are, in fact, subtle references to two of the Avengers in that sentence. Answers on the back of a postcard.) I don't think I've anticipated a film this much since Toy Story 3 and while it didn't shred my psyche into weeping shards of emotional shrapnel like that one did, it certainly pushed me well into 'hyperventilating nerd' territory. For those of you in doubt, it's not a great look. In terms of plot, it's a standard three-act structure: threat is set up, threat is contained, threat breaks loose for epic final battle. If I had one niggle, it would be that the 'threat is set up' part takes a while to get going but then again, there's a lot of story to get in there, given that it ties in to every single film from the franchise so far. And while I predicted that the Tesseract (last seen being retrieved from the Arctic in Captain America, and then making a cameo appearance in the stinger for Thor) would be the film's chief MacGuffin, it was a) actually not a MacGuffin and b) extremely clever as it gives each of the Avengers some form of personal investment. Captain A already had to face-off with it once, it emits gamma radiation so Bruce Banner must provide his particular form of big green wisdom, Iron Man's dad was the one that yoinked it from the depths in the first place, it's a Nordic god thingamabob so Thor has to get involved, and Hawkeye gets zapped by its blue glowy powers in the first ten minutes so Black Widow spends much of the film silently vowing revenge for her squishy-faced companion.
Despite the line-up of A-listers and superheroes, the real star of the show is Joss Whedon. He keeps the plates spinning so deftly that it never feels like there's any fan-based Avenger favouritism going on. Iron Man's heroic sacrifice in the closing minutes of the battle does not, for example, feel like a writer pandering to one of the Internet's favourite characters but rather the necessary ending to his character arc. If you are reading this without having seen the film and are suddenly stricken with doubts over Tony Stark's fate then I'll just say that Iron Man 3 is set for release next year and I was really definitely not at all taken in by it, not even for one tiny little second, not me, and it would have been extremely silly if I had, say, whimpered a little.
There's some stunningly Whedonish dialogue too; even the throwaway lines sound like they've been culled from scripts for unaired episodes of Firefly ("Barton, take them down." "It would be my genuine pleasure, sir.") and, of course, it's extremely funny. Thor and Loki get some pseudo-Shakespearian speeches that don't so much walk the fine line between the grandiose and the ridiculous as hop from one side to the other cackling with glee. I already mentioned the "mewling quim" line in my reaction post but special points also have to go to Loki's villainous opening parlay: "I am burdened with glorious purpose. And cheekbones like goddamn fish slices, seriously." (Disclaimer: only half of that line was written by Joss Whedon.) Being Whedon, he also gets to satirise his own writing with Iron Man gleefully snarking at Thor, "Doth mother know thou wearest her drapes?" Occasionally one sensed that there was a Whedon line struggling to get through the performance of a non-Whedon actor (cameos from Alexis Denisoff and Enver Gjokaj noted though) but really, you'd have to give many more fucks than I actually do.
It also became apparent what a good choice of ring-master Whedon was when the film opened with some hardcore Trekkie-style sci-fi. Ok, so technically superheroes are science fiction but not in the same way as, like, aliens or whatever. Which is odd, because Marvel comics have a long history of courting the extraterrestrial - the whole Phoenix Saga in X-Men, for example - and yet aliens have never really made it into the films in a big way. Well, there was the Venom/Symbiote business in Spiderman 3 but given that its major threat seemed to be toward's Tobey Maguire's wardrobe, I think it's better off forgotten. Joss, however, pulls off the alien invasion with aplomb, as well one might expect.
But as I said, the main part of this deftness is the way in which Whedon keeps every super-and-non-super-powered plate spinning for the full two and half hours. In order to do them justice, let's examine the major players one by one. Buckle up ladies, because oestrogen levels in your bedroom are about to go way, way up.
Bruce Banner/Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)
Traditionally the hardest superhero to do onscreen, Whedon pulls off a masterstroke here by pointing out the intrinsic comedy value of a mild-mannered scientist with - as Iron Man puts it - "breath-taking anger management issues" combined with advances in Golum-style motion capture technology. Ruffalo surpasses my (admittedly reserved) expectations in the role, finding something surprisingly touching in Banner's "I-just-want-to-be-good" Jekyll persona. His explanation of the 'secret' to his control over "the Other Guy" left me a little baffled though - bounding away pre-Hulk, he turns and one-liners to Captain America, "You want to know my secret, Cap? I'm always angry." I guess there must be an in-depth explanation somewhere on the internet, but in the meantime I'm going to imagine this scene took place later:
Iron Man: Did Banner ever tell you what the secret to his whole rage deal was?
Captain America: Oh yeah, he says he's always angry, or something.
Iron Man: Jesus, guys, did you hear that? Banner's always angry. Wait, what does that even mean? Holy shit, does that mean he's the Hulk like, all the time? We've got to stop inviting that guy to our parties.
Or something.
Captain America/Steve Rogers (Chris Evans)
So, the good captain might be my least favourite Avenger, but he's still decent, in every sense of the word. I think the problem is that he's a nice guy and he has a strong moral code and, oh yes, he uses a defensive weapon to show how he's a protector so we're all supposed to nod sagely and go "aaw, what a great guy" when secretly we're going "FOR GOD'S SAKE, ROGERS, BLOW SOMETHING UP." My feeling is that he could have been a little goofier if they wanted to give him some more defining character traits (though the Wizard of Oz moment was very sweet) but they went with a leadership arc, which also worked fine. Of the girls I went to see the film with, he was also the only Avenger who no-one wanted to sleep with, having been declared "meh". Then again, it's entirely possible that we just can't get past a superhero called Captain America.
Thor (Chris Hemsworth)
I'm discussing Thor next because I kind of bracket him with Captain America in the big, dumb and good-natured category of superhero. However, Thor/Hemsworth has something that Cap/Evans does not: comedy gold. Whedon sends up the whole Norse god idea with tongue firmly in cheek and Hemsworth joins in with evident glee - because, seriously, I get that comic book writers were on a lot of crack in the 60s, but they took a very early lunch the day they went "Oh hey, let's just nick this whole Norse mythology deal. Maybe we'll put some wing doodads on the helmet though. Good work, Tim, no-one'll notice." Getting Branagh to direct the first film was also sort of genius and pretty much cements Thor as one of the best not-even-that-guilty pleasures of all time. The only real beef I had with Thor was that Thor himself is such an unlikeable douche for the first half that my (admittedly morally unsound) sympathies gravitated so naturally towards Loki that they've kind of stuck there. But post-Thor, the eponymous god has learnt some humility and is just really, really charming and likeable and funny. Not my type but if he ever transcends the bounds of fiction and finds himself in South West London, I have a friend who would be very willing to give him the guided tour.
Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Junior)
How fucking cool is Iron Man? Or Tony Stark? Or Robert Downey Junior? Individually they all have something fundamentally cool about them but combined, they create a tsunami, nay a firewall of charisma. Downey Junior predictably gets the best lines too, coming up with several nomenclatures for his eclectic teammates that made me nigh-on weep with joy. There was also some much-needed character development in play so we can all look forward to a slightly humbler Stark taking the helm in Iron Man 3, for which I now have high hopes. Still cool though. Still fucking cool.
Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson)
And one cannot mention cool without mentioning Samuel L Jackson in the same sentence. It's actually illegal in six different states. At one point, he holds a bazooka and shoots down a plane. Off an airship. 30,000 feet above sea level. Also, the dude is 60. You can't argue with that. There's no-one else who could play a man with no superpowers other than ineffable sang-froid, yet can keep reasonable control of a group of divas with planet-destroying abilities. I mean that literally: when they rebooted the Marvel universe, the comic book artists purchased the rights to Sam Jackson's appearance just because they too knew that you will never find anyone better to play this role. Ever.
Agent Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg)
Continuing with the 'normals', Coulson might be the normalest normal ever to kick ass and take names in an extremely polite fashion. Since I've warned for spoilers, I'll do my inconsolable weeping over his death now, thanks: WHY WHY WHY CURSE YOU WHEDON, DAMN YOU AND I HOPE ALL YOUR PETS DIE HORRIBLY. That was a masterclass in making you like a character, just so that you could kill him off. Gregg is understated and wonderful, his dialogue is sharp and sweet, his fanboying of Captain America is adorbs, and his badassery in his dying moments is tear-inducing. Coulson, you'll be sorely missed.
Hawkeye/Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner)
An Avenger and S.H.I.E.L.D. agent with no superpowers, I've known I was going to like Hawkeye ever since his cameo appearance in Thor. I didn't know I was going to fucking love him. Hawkeye is so incredibly boss, I can't even form coherent sentences. Renner is a) very funny and b) manages to make his uniform of sleeveless vest and bow-and-arrow convincingly heterosexual. A couple of the film's finest "fuck, that was cool" moments belong to him, most notably the shoot-behind-you-without-bothering-to-look and the turn-and-shoot-as-falling-off-a-building. Those old chestnuts.
Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson)
And we can't talk about Hawkeye without discussing Black Widow. Again, in the interests of getting the blindingly obvious out of the way, Scarlett Johansson is very hot. In fact, she's almost breathtakingly hot in this film. But that is so, so, so, so not the point of Black Widow (much) because good lord, she's a killing machine. I mean genuinely frightening. I would willingly put the next few Iron Man films on hold if it means we can get a Black Widow/Hawkeye film first. I want to see Budapest. I want to see him going to take her out and deciding to recruit her instead. I want more fights like the epic smack down in the control room. I want to see her dark and mysterious past and all the delicious attendant angst that goes with it. Gah, I want more. Now. Please. Fourteen-year-old boys everywhere will thank me.
And speaking of delicious attendant angst, let's just take a moment to talk about our villain.
Loki (Tom Hiddleston)
I'll be brief, I swear. Well, ish. Now, I will put good money on a redemption arc for Loki by the time the Marvel Cinematic Universe is done. Because Loki is basically a really shit villain. He's hopelessly outgunned for the majority of the film, allows himself to be outmanoeuvred and manipulated countless times and - this is the kicker - everyone knows it. Tony Stark takes great delight in pointing out that Loki has wilfully antagonised some of the most powerful beings in the universe and seems not to give a flying alien fuck. Thor makes no bones about the fact that his little brother clearly just wants to play with his toys. Even Coulson deadpans "you lack conviction" before promptly dying. Add to this the fact that it's not even his own brand of divine retribution that he's putting into play - rather, he's more like a middle manager for the Chitauri's planned takeover bid - and, yeah, Loki really isn't a great villain at all. His villainous demands amount to classic Youngest Child temper tantrums. Even his undeniably pimpin' outfits fuel the overwhelming sense of "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MEEEEEE! NO SCREW YOU, THOR, THE PEOPLE ARE HERE TO SEE ME."
Look, I don't know if it's Whedon's writing or Hiddleston's performance but Loki is still dancing ever so slightly on this side of the redeemable. Not forgivable, but redeemable - probably through dying. If there isn't some kind of heroic self-sacrifice waiting at the end of Thor 3 or The Avengers 2, then I'll eat my winged helmet. It's in his nature. Villain motivated by greed/lust for power/Iago-esque-for-shits-and-giggles (cf. the Joker, Doctor Doom) = timely defeat and the world breathes a sigh of relief. Villain motivated by jealousy/insanity/extremely dysfunctional family relations (cf. Doctor Octopus, Two-Face) = humiliating defeat or redemption equals death. I know my genres. And so does Loki, I suspect.
Oh and by the way, if you were wondering whether Loki's villainous ineptitude tarnished my shiny, near-worshipful love for him, then what are you, new? As far as I'm concerned, anyone with those cheekbones gets a free pass. To be honest, I found him kind of endearing (mass-murder aside).* Hiddleston sells the role with marvellous aplomb too. He must have an assistant just to pick the scenery out of his teeth.
All in all, The Avengers is a sustained and exhaustive exercise in being as awesome as is humanly possible in 140 minutes. And even if it wasn't, I was never going to hate a film that gave me a legitimate excuse to shout "AVENGERS ASSEMBLE" across a crowded club as a way of finding errant group members. God bless you, Joss Whedon, and all that sail in you.
What an unfortunate mental image to finish on.
*Charlie Brooker compares Hiddleston's Loki to Mad Men's Pete Campbell, another fictional sociopath for whom I have unfortunately tender feelings. The management would like to point out that a) tastes in fictional men do not in any way reflect tastes in non-fictional men and b) if anyone ever invents some kind of universe-warping raygun that melts the bounds between fiction and reality, I am fucked.
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