Game of Thrones Series 7 Episode 6: Beyond The Wall (The One Where We All Said 'Holy Shit' A Lot)

Ok, let’s all just take a minute to focus on the positives: IMMINENT JAIME/BRIENNE REUNION. If my jaw literally dropped in a cartoonish manner when The Thing happened in the episode (the first Thing, not the Coda Thing), it dropped harder and faster when I realised Sansa was sending Brienne to King’s Landing. Inevitably this leads to heartbreak, but I have poor impulse control and boundless optimism when it comes to my stories, so here we are.

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE THING. I’ll tell you one thing this episode did really well: a series of Events We* Did Not See Coming mainly because they were batshit insane. I did not expect to see Dragons v White Walkers: The Ultimate Showdown at this stage**, mainly because I’d heard the theories/rumours about the bringing-a-wight-home plan AND the ice zombie dragon plots before they happened, and I thought they were fucking ridiculous. But let’s be clear: they’re only mostly fucking ridiculous. The wight plan has been very much the wong plan (wait, where are you going) from the minute it was brought up. It should have been met with a healthy dose of NOPE FACE from everyone in that cramped Dragonstone map room. The entire point of it was to convince Cersei of the reality of the threat, like Cersei has given any indication that she’s prone to rational thinking, now or ever. What’s painfully clear now is that it was all in the service of creating the ice dragon, which is either a) an important plot point from a future book that we’ll absolutely definitely see next year eh George or b) something Benioff and Weiss wanted to do so much that they didn’t much care how it happened (I’m inclined to think it’s a bit of both).

And hey, it’s only mostly fucking ridiculous because as an idea ‘ice dragon’ levels the playing field a little bit (remember how unstoppable Daenerys looked at the start of this series? Way to fumble a 3-0 lead), and also is, yes, very cool. I’m upset that it means we probably won’t get the three heads of the dragon/three dragon riders motif but maybe I’m expecting neatness from a show that actually has been at its best when it blurs the lines of things where the expectation is that they’ll be more clean cut (witness the Flaming Baggage Train Attack being a high point of this series - any of those characters could have died, and we’d have been sad).

It also moves forward the Jon/Dany*** romance, and with a lot of big clanging lines being dropped all over the shop about how Dany can’t have children, I really hope Jon doesn’t have magical undead sperm or something. I’d be way more on board if it turns out that Mirri Maz Duur - the witch who tricked Dany back in the first season and killed her unborn child with magic, also delivering the news that she would never again give birth - was just straight up lying to fuck with her. Either way, it turns out that if you imagine Jon saying “Auntie” at the end of each line from his bed of pain, the scene feels less like sexual tension and more like an aunt caring for her sick nephew WHICH IS WHAT IT IS. I have such a horrible feeling that the show is planning to get them together and *then* reveal Jon’s parentage, presumably accompanied by a sad trombone noise.

"Who's auntie's brave little soldier, eh? Poor wee thing, all tuckered out." 

Ad - on every level - nauseam.

Probably overarching plot-wise, the important thing here is that, as Beric pointed out, the White Walkers have a borg-style arrangement where killing one of them also kills the wights that it animated, and thus killing the Night’s King would take everyone out, Chitauri-style. This gives a clear endgame for either Jon or Dany or both, but also highlights one of several Idiot Balls that characters in this episode were holding at various times: even without this knowledge, the NK is clearly still a pretty big deal up on that totally exposed platform - why didn’t Danaerys target a little more strategically? Why didn’t the NK, for that matter? Why javelin the moving dragon instead of the stationary one that everyone is planning to make their escape on? Why would the Westerosi Maginficent Seven head out beyond the Wall without backup (literally anything - Wildlings, Night’s Watch, their own fucking raven that they could send off so Gendry didn’t have to do a Mo Farah-beating distance sprint back to Eastwatch) beyond a few Obvious Red Shirts who got Red Shirted so hard and so obviously it made Gene Roddenberry go “oh, honey” from his grave? Because it would destroy the story, seems to be the only reason, and that’s distracting enough to be annoying.

Also distracting enough to be annoying is how poorly the other plot of the episode was handled, namely the ongoing Arya and Sansa conflict. I just don’t get what’s being achieved here: either Arya and Sansa (or Arya or Sansa) are doing a massive fake-out of Littlefinger to expose him once and for all as a Lying Liar who Lies, in which case this is a painful disservice to watch these characters go through these motions, or they’re really actually being strung along by him, which is a painful disservice to seven seasons of character development. Notably absent from the series has been any conservation about what exactly the women have been through while away - if it turns out that they’re playing Littlefinger and this conversation happened offscreen, that’s shitty as I’d rather have seen that conversation than almost anything else; if they haven’t, then that’s even shittier as why the fuck not instead of dropping oblique hints you don’t all have to be Bran, and that includes Bran and where the fuck is Bran and his all-seeing eye anyway is he still on a comedown in the godswood because I swear to the old gods and the new I will cut a bitch. Any which way, I’m inclined to think Sansa is sending Brienne away to protect her from Littlefinger, who clearly has her in his sights as a big obstacle to his Happy Gaslighting Ending with Sansa.**** I’m now rowing back on Cersei as one of my big death predictions for this season (unless next week takes A Turn) but it’s still possible that Littlefinger will get it. It’s fine, he’ll still have a rich and compelling story line when we get the next book (*laughs bitterly forever*).

As a note to end on, I just want to register that Jorah was really the only person I cared about not getting killed in that episode (and Gendry, but that’s more because it would be mean to bring him back after so long only to kill him). I fully expected both Thoros and Beric to go down swinging, and honestly I’m a little surprised that Beric didn’t also - but I guess the Lord of Light isn’t done with him yet (RIP Thoros, a drunkard among drunkards). In my most Most Unpopular GoT Opinion, I was sort of hoping for a swift goodbye to Tormund and an end to all this Brienne nonsense, but that’s a deep indicator of how unpalatable I find that particular plot, because away from all that Tormund is delightful and #pure #ginger #kissedbyfire.

But then also, maybe I’m just a massive hypocrite because I love Jorah, and that is hundo p because Iain Glen plays him with such dignified gravelly pain. I really shouldn’t love this character because isn’t he just another man desperately hanging around an uninterested woman hoping that she’ll love him through sheer persistence? Is it really any better than the Tormund and Brienne storyline? But the first four to five seasons of gradually building trust, of yearningly intoned “Khaleesi”s, of betrayal and friendship and uncertainty, are one of my favourite relationships in the show, and probably one of the most complexly drawn, or at least one of the longest lasting. Their reunion earlier in the season felt textured and complicated in a way that was entirely earned, and it’s a hallmark of the pace that these final two seasons are moving at that we likely won’t get such relationships from any of the new alliances being forged.

Oh buddy.

Anyway, the stage is set for next week’s season finale (a whole 90 minutes of it!) to be some good old fashioned vintage Intrigue At The Red Keep style GoT with it being literally anyone’s guess how all this goes down. I’ll leave you with a single word of excitement though: CLEGANEBOWL.


*We = self (have read books) and partner (has not read books, plays on phone during show, asks me what just happened at a rate of knots, is still alive only because I really like explaining Game of Thrones)
**For a hot minute there I thought we were going to get The Climatic High Fantasy Battle then and there, and the subsequent final season would be given over to King’s Landing intrigue and people skulking in corridors, and in that moment I really, strongly wanted that to be the case. It won’t happen though, mainly because it’s harder to write, and B&W want to go and make their super sensitive hot take on slavery (it was bad, you guys).
*** Look, can you be bothered to type and spell check ‘Daenerys’ every time?
****By the way, did we ever get any follow up on Littlefinger’s ‘I want to be king of everything’ speech? Like, how he was going to make that happen? Because he is so far from the Iron Throne. The throne is a dot to him. (I think probably this is just another indicator of the show not quite knowing what to do with him in open warfare storylines given that castle-based skulking is more his metier.)

Game of Boners Returns! Series 7 Episodes 1 & 2 ('Dragonstone' & 'Stormborn')

Game of Thrones is back! Let's be having you.* (Content warning: Game of Thrones, so contains discussion of both rape and violence.)

...

DUM DUM da da DUM DUM da da DUM DUM da da daaaaaaaaaa and etcetera FOREVER (literally forever now that they've added lengthy 'previously on' bits before the credits, you fully have time to make a cup of tea). Oh show, I've missed you. The most problematic of the faves.

I feel like Arya's been very front and centre in the first two eps, so let's start there. First of all, I must reluctantly announce that Maisie William's woefully bad casting in the last but one series of Doctor Who has had a bit of an Emperor's New Clothes affect on me, so I'm not quite as on board with her as an actor as I have been in previous seasons, especially since her Tiny Badass routine has been usurped by TINY LADY MORMONT WHO IS THE TINIEST OF THEM ALL. But it's also the show's fault, because they do quite shamefully trade on how much we want to see a preteen psychopath Fuck Up Dem Lannisters. (Ed Sheeran cameo sidebar: just the worst. I at least thought Arya might kill him, which would then have made the whole thing instantly gratifying and completely justified, but no. She bonded with him instead, which I feel is the worst thing you can do with Ed Sheeran.) Secondly, every time she says "I'm going home", I become more convinced that the Starks are ♪never ever ever getting back together♪. Was this the purpose of the Nymeria cameo? Will being disowned by her direwolf, a hugely powerful symbol of her connection to her family and the north, change Arya's mind again and send her riding south for vengeance instead? I kind of hope so, and her entire role this season is just ping-ponging back and forth between the Cheery Humanising Lannister Soldiers and Byemeria the Direwolf until she gets dizzy.

Speaking of T'North, there's an untenable leadership situation a-brewing between Jon Snow and Sansa, as they continue to have massive public disputes about how to proceed in front of the entire CLP group of assembled Stark bannermen. Could they not have had these chats prior to the town hall? Are there no other rooms in Winterfell? Anyway, I'm default on Sansa's side on most of these because how is she not Queen in the North already? Surely her claim is more legit than Sad Jon Snow's? Anyway, I feel like Dark Sansa is being foreshadowed pretty heavily, which I am here for, so long as nothing tragic happens like she becomes an actual antagonist and Jon Snow kills her in battle. I don't think I could take that level of lip-wobbling woobie-age from Everyone's Favourite Secret Targaryan.

Down Saaf, Cersei is legit terrible at queening, and that is shame because she was at least semi-competent at some point (I think? It was all so long ago. I've done a whole degree since this show started.) I hope she gets some better stuff soon because Lena Headey is one of the best actors left on the show and she looks bored af. You can put it down to the natural entropy of a show in its seventh season but it's HBO. These characters should be getting *more* complex and layered, not walking across presumably still wet floor paintings of Westeros and wilfully misunderstanding what a dynasty is. I also may never get over how much the show has mangled Jaime Lannister, who I swear on my Star Wars posters is one of the books' most interesting characters. Any hope I had of them resurrecting his sort-of redemption arc is pretty much dead in the water by now. Thank god for Nikolaj Coster-Waldau anyway, who is manfully doing A Lot.

My jury is very out on Euron Greyjoy. On the one hand, it's always nice to have a villain on the show who actually seems to understand, nay, enjoy some of the requirements of being a villain (camp delivery and leather trousers, I guess), but on the other say with me now the sacred words of House Jane Shakespeare: No-one cares about the Greyjoys. Something something Batman.

HAVING SAID THAT, Yara is 100% going to die this season and I'm super bummed about that because it definitely discounts Dany & Yara: Sapphic Queens of All Westeros. What with their capture at the end of episode two, I think it's pretty clear that she and Ellaria Sand are going to suffer before they get strategically cut from the show to streamline the narrative killed off: I think there was a showrunner comment along the lines that Euron was going to make Ramsay Bolton look like a kitten so like oh good yay I'm sure we're all super enthused about seeing more women die horribly. (Serious side note: Are we still at this point, show? I genuinely think you believe you're doing something positive for women by constantly representing how shitty their lives are, but that's the least fantastical element of a fantasy show so cut it out, I come here for back-stabbing also front-stabbing ifyouknowwhatImean.)

At the other end of the map, Dany et all have finally arrived, having stayed in strict formation on that boat across the entire season break.

Loved the Varys scene, very sneaky rehabilitation of a character who mostly had skulk-offs with Littlefinger in the Dark Places of King's Landing in the early seasons. I guess there's a salutary political lesson for us all: despise the monarchy but work from within, you get a yearly bonus, despise the monarchy and try to bring them down, you get deaded with wildfire. We also had some fire of the in-the-pants variety with the consummation of several seasons of really lovely scenes between Nathalie Emmanuel and Jacob Anderson as Missandei and Grey Worm. You need someone to have a little fun sometimes, and I thought it was really well done, not to mention historically notable for maybe being the only instance of boobs on the show not to feel totally gratuitous. *fans self*

I haven't really talked much about Tyrion. Huh. Well, that maybe says a lot.

Who else? Sam Tarly, working' nine till five, what a way to make a maester. I'm not a huge Sam Fan but actually the scenes with Jim Broadbent have been pretty great and overwhelmingly gross. Good thing Oldtown Library has that Restricted Section, I think we've all been tired of waiting for a) someone to finally piece together that Dragons + White Walkers = crispy undead barbecue, and b) Iain Glenn to get his fine face back and take those gravelly tones off to Dany's side where he belongs so he can gloomily yet yearningly intone "Khaleesi" to his heart's content.

Elsewhere, RIP Sand Snakes, you were an absolute disaster from beginning to end, and that's all the eulogising I'm going to give. They died as they lived: confusing, superfluous, and tackily written.

The #GiveBrienneMoreToDo2017 campaign starts here. We all love Gwendoline Christie, we all love Brienne, she's one of the few truly honourable souls in a corrupt world going through a painful awakening yadda yadda yadda, GIVE HER MORE STUFF.  And by 'more stuff' - and I think this is my only legit *rant* thus far this series - I do not mean this Tormund eye-fucking disaster. I find it so uncomfortable, both in the way it's done and the response to it in reviews and on Twitter**: it's not sexy fun tension, she has repeatedly looked uncomfortable with his advances, Gwen Christie has said as much herself, and yet. And yet. Do you know why "Nevertheless, he persisted" would never become an iconic phrase? Because THAT'S WHAT MEN DO. (Also, yes, Brienne hearts Jaime 4evs and you can't take that from me.***) My worry is that it was originally intended as a bit of levity (though, again, I don't really find a huge dude making creepy faces that funny, even if Brienne can obvi take care of herself) but it's had such a weirdly positive reaction that the writers will just run with it and throw in something wildly out of character like a stormy we're-about-to-die battlefield snog, which would absolutely be the worst thing the show has ever done, including the Sand Snakes and entirely all of Ramsay Bolton.

Anyway, Christie's nailed it so far, obv, especially re Littlefinger, "Why are you still here?" She spoke for us all. Having said that, it's been rumoured that Littlefinger might die this season and please, show, no. He is a sad imitation of BookFinger but I would be so sad not to have him around anymore, even if his entire role this season is for the population of Winterfell to form an orderly queue to punch him in the mouth (yas Jon). As much as I know I should be grossed out by his Sansession, I am morbidly curious to see how far it goes.  I don't feel like there's a potential rape lurking down that avenue, not least because of the uproar the last time that happened to Sansa and how much it would derail the character she's being built into, but there is an interesting question over a character who has essentially managed to achieve everything he's tried thus far, so it would be great to see what happens when he's absolutely, finally denied the thing he wants the most. And maybe it would revive Aidan Gillen from the dead, because he's looking like he checked out two seasons ago.

...

So that's all for now. Will I do this every week? I have quite a lot of work to do, so probably. We are heading into the endgame now and some real heavyweights are going to start getting offed before we get to the Dragons v White Walkers smackdown next year. My predictions for this series: Cersei, Grey Worm, and yeah, maaaaybe Littlefinger. But, excitingly, it's still really anyone's game.


*I am trying to write a Moffat retrospective, which may encompass some kind of (excited) response to Jodie Whittaker's casting, but I keep getting sidetracked by peak This Blog shit like making dumb jokes about Littlefinger's accent.
**Also on Bafflingly Popular GoT Opinions: it turns out many people are rooting for Jon Snow and Daenerys to get it on. I know it's all but inevitable at this point (it's A Song of Ice and Fire, I get it George) but, like, she's his full aunt. Guess y'all are fine with it when it's not Lannisters, huh?
***Just to end on a more fun note than unwanted sexual advances, go and watch this four minute video of Gwendoline Christie and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau interviewing each other in actual real life and I defy you - I defy you - not to come out shipping Jaime and Brienne.

OK FINE HERE ARE SOME GAME OF THRONES THOUGHTS

QUICK NOW BEFORE I ACCIDENTALLY START BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES AGAIN:

1) "If I don't watch over you, father's ghost will come back and murder me." Just some light hearted Stark family bants. (Seriously though, when was the last time we had two Starks together in one room?)

2) "Oh, that was me, I totally did that," says Brienne, lightly fingering the hilt of her broadsword, wandering casually past Davos and Melisandre as they discuss Stannis' death.

3) If there was a time when we thought Olenna Tyrell might die of old age, that time is past.

4) The Lord of the Wandering Accent returns to the Vale from....well, who the fuck knows, eh?

5) The Lannisters deserve their own theme song and some kind of tooling up montage.

6) Major mistake to kill off Roose Bolton. Ramsay is no Joffrey. The most entertaining thing we can pray for now is ignominious surprise death at the hands of some rando having a bad day (which, in Westeros, is all days).

7) Tyrion "actually my best friend is a slave" Lannister.

8) Tyrion "12 Minutes a Slave" Lannister (idk, pick your favourite)

9) YES KHALEESI WALKING NAKED FORTH FROM THE CHARRED FLESH OF HER ENEMIES AS SHE PREPARES TO LEAD GROVELLING LEGIONS IN A BLOODY CAMPAIGN OF SLAUGHTER THAT IS WHAT DANAERYS' STORYLINE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE

Bonus thought from last week: I am sure when we find out the reason why Hodor used to speak and now doesn't, it will be hilarious and heart-warming because there is NO NEED TO MAKE HODOR TRAGIC.

In Which a Generation of Viewers Learn Never to Trust GRR Martin: 'The Rains of Castamere' (Game of Thrones) Review

Game of Thrones Series 3, Episode 9: The Rains of Castamere

Have you stopped crying yet? Have you? Well I don't care, Casual Viewer, because I READ THE BOOKS.  Do you know what that means? Do you? It means I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT TWICE.

The climactic events of this week's episode are probably the most major of the spoilers I have been determinedly holding back while writing this blog, although Jaime losing his hand was a close runner up (don't worry, there are more - so many more - to come, presumably next season).  There have been many occasions on which a friend who either watches the show only or hasn't caught up with the books instigates a "So who do you think is going to win?" type conversation with me, wittering on happily about how Robb is totally going to serve the Lannisters their gilded asses on a plate and I am sat silently, bottom lip a-quivering, holding in the words, "NO HE WON'T BECAUSE HE'S DEAD FOR GOD'S SAKE THEY'RE ALL DEAD."  But th- th- that's Westeros, folks.  

Oh, it's all very clever really.  It works because we think we understand the rules of fiction; today's audience are more trope-literate than ever.  After the shock death of Ned at the end of Series/Book 1, we think we know the rules of this game: sure, the 'anyone can die' atmosphere has been established but we also see now how it's a much bigger and longer story than one that can be held by a single protagonist.  And then we make that mistake again.  We think we know who we're following - it is the War of Five Kings, after all (although the show took the excellent option of sidelining the Greyjoys as early as possible*).  It's Joffrey and the Lannister fen v. frowny Stannis v. hot shit Robb Stark (dead gay Renly having been comprehensively deaded and, as I said, the Greyjoys having been apparently sent to a farm), right? And on a fictional level, we understand the rules of this universe, i.e. some kind of vague pseudo-medieval bullshit, plus tits.  We know that there are codes of honour that some choose to uphold and some don't and it is that choice that the whole show revolves around.  Ned dies because he's honourable and Joffrey isn't.  The Red Wedding is so very clever because of who it is making the choice to defy those rules, i.e. the Freys.  The pretext is a wedding, the righting of a wrong because Robb broke his vow.  The whole occasion is designed, apparently, to restore some of those codes.  And the Freys - unpleasant, certainly, and sadly not nearly as pretty as the rest of Westeros** but not evil, right? Just self-important.  Just a bit "ooh we've got these big over-compensating towers that you need to get past for your war".  I mean, they're not Lannisters.  Wrongity wrong wrong wrong.  

And that's what makes the Red Wedding one of the most shocking events in a book and television series that revels in shocking events: it's done out of sheer pettiness - because Walder Frey was going to have to settle for the uncle of a king instead of a king.  And, for my money, the show got it mostly right.  The payoff, interestingly, didn't come until Catelyn's death in the very last scene; for a horrible, underwhelming moment, I thought they were going to leave it with Robb dropping to the floor covered in arrows and not show us the rest.  In a series known for its violence, this was certainly extravagant with the old Kensington Gore, but it was right to be so: a lesser show might have 'artistically' panned away, tried to give its characters some dignity in their dying moments.  Fortunately, the Game of Thrones team understand that the horror in this case comes precisely from that lack of dignity, the naked brutality of Catelyn slashing the throat of an innocent woman before exploding into a gushy red fountain herself.  I mean, Jesus Christ on a dragon, the massacre was commenced by stabbing a pregnant woman in her stomach.  And given the reworking and focus that's been given to Robb's Non-Canonical Wife, it felt completely...well, not appropriate, but you know.  Appropriately awful.  And unexpected - in the book, Robb's Canonical Wife is not present at the wedding and has currently vanished off to some unknown fate (i.e. I can't remember what happened to her).

The obvious parallel is with Ned's death way back in Series 1 (and how did we not see that coming when, y'know, Sean Bean).  Back then, I was like you, Casual Viewer.  After Series 1 I decided to read the books so television could never hurt me like that again.  Anyway, as well as milking the obvious Stark-dies-because-honour-goddammit connection, there was also all of that "Don't you want to teach little Ned Stark to ride?" stuff and, for fuck's sake HBO, do you ever maybe think about pulling your punches? Cruel.  The final emotional KO was Roose Bolton delivering the killing stab to a somehow-still-standing-despite-resemblance-to-a-secretary-bird (look it up) Robb Stark, echoing the moment when Littlefinger turned on Ned way back when hope was still alive, delivering him to his Lannister-y fate.  Very well done to all involved.

Having said that, it's a difficult episode to evaluate on its own merits.  I spent the whole thing knowing what was about to happen and I suspect that if I hadn't, I would have thought it was dragging a bit.  Danaerys seemed out of a place in an episode that should have been Stark-centric and was presumably only in there as misdirection so that the events of the Red Wedding came completely out of left field.  I was right about Ser Jorah's reactions to Daario though; for every "Khaleesi before personal pride" lecture he gives Ser Barriston, he definitely picks the petals off a daisy going, "Khaleesi loves me, Khaleesi loves me not".  Part of the problem is that Iain Glen is much more sympathetic than the character is probably supposed to be and I don't think I'm alone in kind of rooting for him.  Still, Dany's on a high as she adds a new city to her ever-growing collective (please don't ask me which one though, I'm so confused about everything east of Westeros, I've given up trying), in welcome contrast to, well, everyone else this week.

Elsewhere, Jon Snow's Great Wildling Adventure came to an end as he chose to reveal himself rather than kill an innocent man, proving yet again that Starks are absolute darlings and also total fucking idiots.  As with Robb and his Late Non-Canonical Wife, the Jon/Ygritte storyline has been mixed, I think, without the extensive passing of time that you get in the book (it's one of my favourite storylines in the series and thus there is a bit of readership bias here), allowing you to see the slow confusion of Jon's once black-and-white morals.  It's all been a bit quick, really, and not helped by the fact that Kit Harrington and Rose Leslie are right poshos in real life and the catchphrase heavy scenes aren't helping the feeling that they vaguely heard someone from Yorkshire talking once and just working-classed it up a bit (I won't miss having to hear "Jon Sneeeeeuw" dragged over far too many syllables ever again).  Perhaps that's why Ygritte's silent half-furious half-soulful gaze as Jon Snow hauled ass back to the Night's Watch was by far the most touching their relationship has ever been.  And a sad farewell to Mackenzie Crooke, who also kicked it in this episode, and was sadly underused while he was alive.  Although before he died, he did deposit his soul in that of his pet bird, so hopefully next season will yield us Mackenzie Crooke in a giant bird outfit when they run out of money after all the CGI dragons.

Some surprisingly touching stuff coming from Bran's storyline as well.  Bran has an easy to ignore storyline, I find, given that it's the most overtly Lord of the Rings-y (good guys on magical quest, much walking and hiding from bad people).  Not only does Natalia Tena continue to be consistently excellent as Osha, we can add Art Parkinson as Rickon to the show's ever-explanding list of brilliant child actors.  His tearful insistence that he needed to take care of Bran was the moment of the episode that brought me closest to welling up, rather than the bloody events further south.  Saddest of all, Rickon and Osha are now departing from the merry jaunt across the Wall, leaving us only with Brandon "Did I mention I can't walk today?" Stark, Jojen "Jailbait" Reed, Meera "This Show Has One Too Many Badasses" Reed and Hodor "Hodor"Hodor.  We may not see Osha and Rickon again for a while, so valar dohaeris and all that and I really bloody hope you're the Stark that survives, Rickon.

Speaking of child actors, though, Maisie Williams is taking everyone to school.  It's largely down to her performance that she's become the kind of unofficial mascot/protagonist of the show; the best comment that cropped up on my Facebook feed regarding the episode was, "I hope that little transvestite girl kills the Jesus out of everyone." As do we all, Arya, as do we all.  But for all that she's popular because we like the idea of a little kid being unflinching and killing people and whatnot (god, we are terrible people), this episode very much showed us how (mercifully) far Arya has to go before she becomes hardened to it, still prizing life more dearly than the majority of Westeros' population.  But also not afraid to hit an old man round the head with a branch because he wakes up at the wrong time.  That's why we love Arya.  And after her witnessing of and disappearance from the Red Wedding, her storyline's only just getting good.

After their absence from, yet crucial part in, this week's episode, I'm guessing things'll be a little more Lannister-heavy next week for the series finale.  Aside from Sansa getting the news, I don't want to make any guesses about what they'll wheel out and what they'll keep in the bag for next season because a) I genuinely don't know at this point, I thought they were going to end Series 3 with the Red Wedding in the finale and b) it would be hilariously spoileriffic and I'd rather not be chased down by angry Casual Viewers who have acquired too many ideas from watching Game of Thrones.  Just give me some Brienne and Jaime to see me through to next year.  Curse you, show, and curse all the emotions you have forced into my bitter, dead heart.

*Obligatory, "NO-ONE CARES ABOUT THE GREYJOYS."

*Mad props to my boy Tom Brooke stabbing a pregnant woman in the stomach though.  As Lothar Frey.  Not just as Tom Brooke.  That would be bad.

True Romance: 'The Name of the Doctor' (Doctor Who) and 'Second Sons' (Game of Thrones) Reviews

Author's Note: As you can probably tell, I wrote my Doctor Who review immediately after seeing the episode (for the third time).  Game of Thrones, on the other hand, has taken me a week to get round to watching, hence the lateness of this review.

Doctor Who Series 7, Part 2, Episode 7: The Name of the Doctor

Oh Stephen.  I know I say this every year but I swear, I'll never doubt you again.  It was only when my brain had stopped playing the word "WHAT" on a loop and I'd drunk a substantial amount at a Eurovision party that I realised what a truly fantastic episode this was.

I'll admit, a large part of this conclusion came from the cessation of my hyperventilating-y thoughts of OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU TAKING MATT SMITH AWAY FROM ME because, rationally, let's look at the facts: a) We know he's in the 50th anniversary special and b) I don't really believe John Hurt is going to take over full-time as Doctor Number Twelve.  There was that mention of the Valeyard early on in the episode that seems like a great big honking clue: for those unaware, the Valeyard was (in Old Who) the Doctor's final regeneration gone all evil and introspective, basically.  Take that coupled with the closing dialogue about Hurt "not acting in the name of the Doctor", factor in the show's propensity for wordplay/riddles/literal language and it seems to me that, for all the talk of the 50th anniversary marking Matt Smith's regeneration, it could be just as much about resisting a regeneration.  For bonus evidence, the BBC released an interview of Tennant and Smith (together at last) in which Smith said that 10 and 11 seemed to get on pretty okay but there was Someone They Weren't Allowed To Talk About who was more bemused/annoyed by the two of them - given that Hurt was announced to be in the anniversary show months ago, I bet this is who they're talking about and he's sort of the Doctor but not.  Because he's the evil Valeyard guy.*

Although then again, I've just thought back to that "Introducing John Hurt as The Doctor" caption and have immediately doubted all of this. I mean, the Doctor lies though, right?  Let's move on before I devolve back into sobbing "please don't take away Matt Smith" again.**

Speaking of sobbing, I did.  I was all tarted up to dash off to the aforementioned Eurovision party the minute it finished and it was a good twenty minutes before I actually left the house because I was completely redoing my eye make-up.  River River River.  That was some pretty fucking glorious River.  Anyone who wants to disagree, let's take this outside, because that's my River - not clingy and dress size-y and smug, but brave and calm and brilliant.  The moment where the Doctor caught her hand and said "You're always here to me" literally made me drop my fork and neglect my delicious takeaway like a hilarious romcom moment.  We've had so much of the Doctor being superior to River, brushing her off, ignoring her etc etc that she was in danger of becoming just a running joke (Moffat thinks wives are annoying, no-one is surprised) - and it looked like that was how it was going for the first half of the episode too - so that whole dialogue ("I thought it would be too painful" "I think I could have coped" "For me") was possibly one of my favourite things this show has ever done.  All we wanted (me and my pal River) was some acknowledgement that she was in some way different to every other companion that heads through those doors, and we got it.  Sorry Amy, but I'm awarding the 'Girl Who Waited' badge to your daughter.  If that was River's final goodbye - and I suspect it was written so that Alex Kingston could or could not come back as the show demanded - it was a bloody good one.  Compliments all round.

Not least to the actors.  At least forty percent of my DON'T LEAVE ME MATT SMITH woe wasn't down to the frankly inexplicable level of attractiveness he manages to achieve on a weekly basis (this week's new Doctor-fetish: blindfolds) but to the fact that, unlike the rest of the show, he just gets better and better and better.  I mentioned a few weeks ago how he's undeniably a different Doctor to the one who shouted at baked beans that we started with; that came to beautiful fruition here with Smith skipping electrically along the spectrum from comedy to tragedy, and nailing it all the way.  He's so good I'm not even going to make a joke about wishing he would nail something else as well ifyouknowwhatImean.  There's not much I can say about his performance that I haven't said before, except that I am so so so looking forward to seeing how 10 and 11 interact, since 10's whole schtick was 'bouncy yuppy' and 11's whole schtick is kind of 'ancient old man fragility with the face of a twelve year old'.  I turn instead to the supporting cast: Vastra, Jenny and Strax once again prove themselves to be as able a TARDIS family as any ragtag bunch of misfits from the RTD era, and bring a substantial amount of human drama to the proceedings (which is impressive, considering that they're two-thirds cold-blooded). I even welled up a little when I thought Jenny was dead (which would have been a cruelly Whedon-esque move) and her "I'm so sorry, I think I've just been murdered" was chilling and heart-breaking in perfect measure.  Similarly, Strax and Vastra's "The heart is a simple thing", "I have not found it to be so"got me right in the feels - which only begs the question: if you can write like this, Moffat (see also above mention of Doctor/River dialogue), then why don't you, like, all the time?  It certainly silenced my inner Moffat-can't-do-characters demons.

And speaking of characters, this leads us, of course, to Clara, who deserves a special paragraph all of her own.  I was very satisfied with the resolution to the Clara mystery: the whole 'Impossible Girl' thing always seemed like a bit of a red herring.  Far more interesting were the moments when she was confirmed to be 'ordinary' - because that's really what companions are for, in the end, is to celebrate the capacity of the ordinary and everyday for heroism. My prediction was something along the lines of "Clara is just a normal girl being copied across space and time and ultimately the evidence will be all there in the TARDIS" and you know what? It kind of was.  Just, y'know, the burnt out shell of the future TARDIS.  But they were in it.  Oh shut up, I'm going to take that one, and there's nothing you can do about it.  The episode also seemed to clear up the hazy Clara-Doctor dynamic somewhat (maybe it was all that River in the air) with him saving her in a desperately parental way.  Hopefully now Jenna Louise Coleman can get her teeth into something with a bit more in the way of defined personality, because she bloody deserves to.

If I had to have a complaint it would be the villains, such as they were.  The Whispermen were very reminiscent of one of my favourite Buffy episodes/villains, the Gentlemen from 'Hush', complete with creepy nursery rhyme - so much so that it strikes me that writers of this show really need to stop presuming that the Atlantic Ocean magically stops the fans from being aware of Joss Whedon.  I felt like they didn't really get much of an outing, being an obvious red herring to deflect marketing attention away from THAT ENDING but maybe they'll pop up again in future with some extra creepy powers?  Let's hope so, it has been a while since we've had a vintage Moffat take-a-standard-fear-make-it-so-you'll-never-sleep-again villain.  The Great Intelligence was ultimately a bit of a letdown, really.  Contrary to my usual opinion about Doctor Who doing over-laboured story arcs (unfavourable, for those in doubt) I sort of felt he hadn't been signposted enough throughout the series, at least not enough for a Big Bad.  Still, ultimately none of it was really about that, was it? The greatest villain on the show, as always, is the Doctor himself.  Oh I am excite, please to make it November soonest.

So I'm calling it: best series finale of the Moffat era.  It didn't quite have the razzle-dazzle/ preposterousness self-regard of Series 6 mid-series finisher A Good Man Goes to War, but it didn't need it: I'm enjoying this quieter, more self-contained mode, and it gives the show a gravitas (if not a dignity) that allows it to strike exactly the right balance between silly and serious.

In conclusion, kids, it's going to be a very long summer.


Game of Thrones Series 3, Episode 7: Second Sons

The obvious centrepiece of this week was the hilarious and tragic Lannister-Stark wedding.  Lannister family events are understandably awkward occasions (all that inbreeding) but this was more so than usual, given that the nuptials were taking place between sensitive hedonist Tyrion and trembling sorority girl Sansa.

I do so enjoy it when the show takes the opportunity to play with its form a bit, especially Cersei and Loras's little moment under the stars.  In a show that excels in putting together unlikely characters and watching the magic, they set up a potential watercooler let-me-show-you-my-hidden-vulnerability moment, only to have Cersei snap "Nobody cares what your father says." Speaking for us all there, Cersei - I still haven't forgiven Loras for not being nearly as good-looking as the books say he is.  Cersei and Margaery's conversation was, similarly, fantasy's equivalent of Sex in the City, or maybe Hollyoaks.  "If you ever call me sister again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep," hisses Cersei at Margaery's perky breasts after the queen-to-be goes a step too far in advancing the Tyrell domestic policy of winning hearts and minds.  Indeed, Margaery was in danger of slipping more than just a nipple this week as Joffrey seems to be not quite so entirely under her spell as we've been led to believe, ignoring his mother's half-hearted attempt at parenting to go and deliver a casual rape threat to the newly wed Sansa Stark-Lannister.  My hatred of Joffrey has reached something like fascination - I'm too saturated with loathing to hate him more so I just wait in a state of something like awe to see what he'll do next.  He's like the Usain Bolt of sadism.  Just when you think he can't top leading Sansa up the aisle in lieu of headless Ned, he offers to come and help her out with her wifely duties later that night, only it's not an offer and I wanted to reach through the TV screen and make him drink his own spinal fluid.

Across the sea, Danaerys is still on a high as she wins a company of mercenaries over to her side (the Second Sons of the episode title).  Another deviation from the books here, with Daario coming in the guise of a character from an 80s-era children's fantasy film rather than the gold-toothed, purple-mustachioed swashbuckler of the books.  Given that Dany clearly has the hots for him (it's amazing what a gift of the severed heads of your enemies will do, I keep telling my dates that but they insist on getting me chocolate) it's probably for the best.  No reaction from Jorah as yet, but given how much I love Iain Glen's petulant little face as he intones "Khaleesi"in manner that is simultaneously bored and longing, I'm looking forward to it.  Quite a lot of nudity in Dany's storyline this week too - not only is there a requisite concubine getting pawed around, we get full on khaleesi-tits-and-arse too.  I don't know what I expected, to be honest - it is Game of Boners, after all - but the nudity count has been surprisingly light in recent weeks and setting that scene in her bath seemed particularly unnecessary.

The third main strand of the episode was probably just there to balance out the genders on the nudity front, to be honest, as Melisandre gets jiggy with Gendry, if your definition of getting jiggy is tying someone up and attaching leaches to their unmentionables.  I know it's mine.  The most interesting aspect of this strand, however, was the conversation between Stannis and Davos in the dungeons, as Stannis attempts awkward make-up sex with his bf (or just says he'll set him free, whatever).  Mainly this is because Stephen Dillane and Liam Cunningham are putting in such fucking good, understated performances.  The way Dillane plays Stannis, he's the guy at the party that there's nothing technically wrong with but no-one wants to hang out with and you just know he really, really wants to be your friend.  The tacit acknowledgment that Davos was right about maybe not murdering innocent boys was a thing of beauty, and Stannis' attempts to make everything ok again were painfully reminiscent of his stilted interactions with his wife and child a few weeks ago.

The episode was bookended by two more odd couples (alas, no Brienne and Jaime this week, though after last week's BE STILL MY BEATING HEART rescue, they deserve a breather). Firstly, Arya and the Hound reach a tentative detente after one little attempted rock-murder, as it transpires he may be her best hope of getting back to her family.  The show seems to be set on presenting Sandor Clegane in more and more of a sympathetic light of late - no complaints, I'm just intrigued as to what exactly do they know because he sort of disappears from the books at some point.  (Not much Littlefinger of late either - after delivering that stonking monologue about chaos, maybe he's gone out on a high? Ah well, the plot requires him back soon, I believe.)  Our other couple was Sam and Gilly, who have a beautiful - if not terribly exciting - equilibrium to their scenes, with Gilly building a fire while Sam thinks about baby names.  One White Walker attack later - heralded by some frankly much scarier crows - and the mysterious dragonglass seems to be coming in handy.  When you get to Westeros, Dany, you could make a packet on that alone.

All in all, an entertaining episode that had an enjoyably gossipy feel to it - lightweight in comparison to recent weeks, though tightly focused nonetheless.  Sadly there is no episode next week, which means I'll have to wait a full fortnight for my next Jon Snow/Brienne and Jaime fix.  It's a hard life.

This Week's Winner: Doctor Who in spades.  I keep just remembering bits and smiling a beatific smile. And then crying.


*The good people on the Guardian comments section seem to think he's not the Valeyard since he's already appeared in Old Who but instead maybe the very first incarnation who wasn't yet "the Doctor" (i.e. Matt Smith is the 11th Doctor but not the 11th regeneration) or the missing Time War Doctor who ended it by killing everyone and therefore acted for "peace" and "sanity" but not "in the name of the Doctor" - which would put an interesting spin on Christopher Ecclestone's tenure as he always seemed to take personal responsibility for the whole shebang but hey ho (actually thinking about it, this makes the most sense).  Either way, we're all agreed that Hurt is only along for the 50th anniversary ride and MATT SMITH IS NOT LEAVING, OK? OK.
**Right, well, I've just read that the Beeb have officially announced that Series 8 will air next year in split-series format with Matt Smith, Jenna-Louise Coleman and Stephen Moffat all returning BUT it will mark Moff's last tenure as head writer and possibly contain a mid-series regeneration. So now I just don't know what to feel.  I mean, on the one hand, more Smith/Moffat in the foreseeable future, on the other...all things must pass.  Fuck you, Doctor Who, I'm pretty sure I'm not meant to feel this existentialist about a children's show.

No Contest: 'Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS' (Doctor Who) and 'Kissed By Fire' (Game of Thrones) Reviews

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Ancestral Voices Prophesying War: 'Cold War' (Doctor Who) and 'Walk of Punishment' (Game of Thrones) Reviews

War is in the air on both shows this week.  I can't think of a better linking factor than that, so let's plunge in.

Doctor Who Series 7, Part 2, Episode 3: Cold War

Well, that was cracking.  That was like Das Boot collided with Alien* via The Thing.  Captained by Davos Seaworth.**

In a continuation of what I have been saying about the show getting all nostalgic about itself, what with the anniversary coming up, we got a revisiting of a classic Who monster this week, the Ice Warrior(s).  And boy, is it working.  Not just the resurrection of an old foe, but the return to 'Monster of the Week' done right - dark corridors, increasing body count, tense stand-off, obvious yet well-conceived metaphor.  This episode also embraced the best of New Who as well by delivering a couple of twists on the old formula - instead of the West, we land on a Russian sub (cue lots of fun with actors shouting "DAMMIT, ONEGIN" and "PIOTR IS IN THE HOLD, COMRADE" at each other), and instead of a suited and booted Ice Warrior, we get a pair of disembodied and touchingly non-CGI claws dangling from the ceiling like the crane in an arcade game.  It was both scary and fun, serious and tongue-in-cheek - in beverage terms, it was a lovely cuppa.

Last week's 'Warm Respect' on the Clara-o-meter is rising swiftly towards 'Soppy Adolescent Puppy Love'.  Is it just me, or is she the first companion in a good long while to actually react like a person?  Her anxieties over negotiating the peace treaty (it was a test, we all know it was a test, Doctor, you have failed at subtlety***), being struck by the realness of the eviscerated bodies as the Doctor dashes off to do something sonic-y because bodies are ten a penny to him, her agreement to actually stay put when told, her tentative mention of Skaldak's daughter - it was all beautifully conceived and acted.  Mad props to Jenna-Louise Coleman, and mad props to Mark Gatiss for knowing how to write Watson right (I guess he's had practice).  Of course, if I am being really and truly honest (and what better place for that than the internet, right?) I know the real reason I like Clara is because she behaves the way I would behave.  The way I suspect most of us would behave, in fact - scared and stupid and making jokes to deflect the mindfuck of the whole TIME-TRAVELLING SPACE ALIEN thing, and just occasionally sharp enough or human enough to spot something important, save the day and comment on it - who wouldn't want to say the words "We save the world" as much as humanly possible? And then hug it out afterwords.  Naturally.****  The whole 'impossible' parallel lives thing is incidental - Clara is good enough to watch on her own merit, and that really is special.

I can't quite work out her relationship with The Doctor yet though.  Most Doctor-Companion dynamics are played as analogies for romantic relationships, if not out and out cases of sexual tension, and while he seems very keen to impress her, there's a sense in which she's something of a specimen because of her time-and-space-and-death-defying tendencies.  That hug at the end was a little bit fatherly, a little bit grandfatherly, and a little bit something else that makes this a very bloody interesting dynamic to watch unfold.  Long may it continue, I say, and drive us all mad with the ambiguity.

The supporting cast was equally excellent.  Tobias Menzies on excellent cheekbone-sharp form as dour, trigger-happy Stepashin - my only complaint is that he copped it too soon, I would have liked to see him team up with Skaldak for some good old-fashioned murder funtimes.  David Warner was likewise underused, I felt, which is only testament to how excellent he was when he got the chance.  I did keep waiting for him to turn into the villain, though, which is maybe Hollywood's fault.  Liam Cunningham is now no longer allowed to play anything except gruff yet ultimately trustworthy sea captains, and long may he reign.  Props, too, to the rest of the sub's suspiciously young, nubile seamen (tee hee hee).

Menzies and Warner's lack of resolution is a symptom of Gatiss episodes in general though: the pay-off is never quite good enough to live up to the excellent situations he creates.  All three of his episodes in the Moffat era have now ended with the villain essentially being talked down and told to be a nicer person ('Victory of the Daleks', Amy convinces Bill Paterson that it's much nicer to be a human than a Dalek robot, and 'Night Terrors', the Doctor tells Daniel Mays to tell his alien son not to be scared).  Gatiss writes people and dialogue excellently, with warmth and heart, and has an excellent eye/nose/ear for the grotesque and absurd but his plotting leaves something to be desired and there's always a point at which his episodes become Scooby-Doo-scary rather than Moffat-scary.  He's been named as a potential successor to the Blessed St Stephen, but I don't see it.  I'm just not sure his imagination is Doctor Who-shaped - it's all a bit too clever sometimes, but without the flare for spectacle that lets Moffat get away with it.  All a bit too grown up, in other words.

But this is a general reflection, and the oddly prescient eighties setting (heaven knows what they would have done with any Thatcher references) coupled with the chilling motif of mutually assured destruction worked on Gatiss' terms.  I do wonder how many seven year olds were nodding along going, "Yes, of course, because the SALT talks failed in 1979 after the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan" but hey ho (yes, I know actual history, not just fictional history).  It was a beautiful analogy for how we relate to the unknown, and I suspect Clara's central role in the episode - despite spending much of it waiting backstage, as it were - was due to this.  Lots of funny jokes about Ultravox too.

This may well have been Gatiss' best effort yet, though I'll always harbour a soft spot for Series 1's 'The Unquiet Dead' (Chris Eccleston telling Simon Callow's Dickens that he's a huge fan while in a hansom cab fleeing walking corpses).  He seems to be on a winning streak, actually, after ending Sherlock on such a flawless, ovary-destroying high.  Thus far the series continues to shine in its embrace of its own Glorious History (a mention of Susan last week, and I've just confirmed my suspicion that the HADS was an Old Who concept via the magic of Google).  We know there are Gaiman-retooled Cybermen coming up in a few weeks' time, and an exploration of the TARDIS interior even sooner than that.  Best of all, I've just found out that River Song will be dropping by for snogs and adventure in the series finale, also including a new Moffat villain called the Whispermen.  I'm expecting a barnstormer here, and for once I don't feel over-optimistic about hoping.


Game of Thrones Series 3, Episode 3: Walk of Punishment

And punishment was very much our theme this week with the episode ending on an event I've been strenuously and determinedly not spoiling for anyone who hasn't read the books: Jaime bids a sudden farewell to his right hand.  How great are Jaime and Brienne? Very bloody great is the answer, with their sulky bickering sitting back to back on a horse turning inch by inch towards a mutual respect so grudging it leaves skid marks.  They're finding each other's sensitive spots too, with Brienne asserting that Jaime's best days are behind him (boy, is she prescient) and Jaime suggesting getting raped might go over easier if she imagines it's her Dead Gay King.  Jaime rides in with the most casual rescue imaginable later on (metaphorically, he's chained to a tree), preventing said rape by pointing out she could be ransomed for a hefty sum, then hedging his bets and playing for his own release too, which comes off considerably less well.  Don't worry, it's all character development.  They're Not So Different After All.

Elsewhere in Westeros, the worlds of Doctor Who and Game of Thrones continue to collide with Tobias Menzies showing up again as family fuck-up Edmure Tully.  I don't think the Tullys are really anyone's favourite (their sigil is a fish) but Menzies manages to make the family trait of self-righteousness-in-the-face-of-overwhelming-evidence-of-just-being-wrong sort of endearing, especially as he faces a double dressing down by both his nephew King Robb (what happened to you, man? You used to be cool) and his uncle Brynden Blackfish (an excellently cast Clive Russell - but then, they're all excellently cast).  Actually, Robb recovered a little of his equilibrium this week, without Robb's Non-Canonical Wife to weigh him down - even GRR Martin himself, a man who, after all, is not known for his restraint, kept Jeyne Westerling (Robb's Canonical Wife) largely off the page, knowing that we want to see the King in the North being...well, a king.  One of the successes of that storyline in the books is that what might play out as a tale of love defying fate elsewhere becomes a rash and foolhardy act when viewed in the context of Westeros' special brand of pointy-stick-orientated politics.  The television series' greatest misstep so far has been to take the first view of it, and it sticks out like a chopped off hand.

We're back with Dany again this week, who I'm guessing is cooking up some punishments of her own and developing some much-needed steel ("All men must die.  But we are not men.") as Ser Jorah "Friendzoned" Mormont and Ser Barristan "Obi Wan" Selmy vie for first dibs on the advising.  We get Jorah's pragmatism v Barristan's romanticism; which one will Dany choose?  Well, I already know because I've read the books.  But it's really good.  Anyway, one of the few moments when knowing the series came at a disadvantage as I was desperately hoping we'd get to see Dany's next actions in the same episode but no dice.  Instead, dragon-selling.

Negotiations and machinations took centre stage actually, despite the highest-thus-far injury count (dead slaves, dead horses, dead soldiers, near-rape, Jaime's hand) as we returned to King's Landing for some more Government 101 - this week, finance!  Always good news as it means my pal Littlefinger will be smarming about somewhere (sounding this week like he's lost his voice, but smarming really takes its toll on a person); we get him and Tyrion expounding two very salient views on how to manage a country's finances, it's either "make the numbers dance, fuck the consequences" (Littlefinger) or "really really don't borrow money you know you can't pay back" (Tyrion).  Topical.  Anyone else automatically assume Littlefinger had paid off Podrick Payne's frighteningly flexible prostitutes himself as a means of transferring the debt and being owed a favour? Or was it actually just an opportunity for Peter Dinklage to show us how good he is at being wry and Pod really is a sex wizard?  Anyway, Littlefinger's off to the Vale to woo Lysa "Thousand Yard Stare" Arryn and put his own nefarious plots into practice.  Personally, I hope he gets a spin off.*****

A quick round-up of the rest then.  Stephen Dillane continues to be excellent as Stannis Baratheon, who - next to Daenerys Targaryen - probably has the best actual claim to the Iron Throne yet is a proper hardline bastard, like.  "I want to see Joffrey dead," he says, to the ringing sound of no-one anywhere arguing.  Maybe if he just put a wall up around Dragonstone and took a few days off with Davos and Melisandre, he'd be a bit happier.  Certainly happier than pondering whether he's ready to spill his child's blood for the throne, after Melisandre rejects his advances. ("It would kill you," she says.  Now that's body confidence.)  Not much over the Wall, just more opportunities for Jon Snow to look conflicted and adorable as everyone continues to want to either hug him or slap him or maybe both at the same time, as Ciaran Hinds orders the Wildings off to war against the Night's Watch.  Aforementioned Night's Watch continue to bully Sam Tarly as they return to the home of the monstrous Craster (blimey, it's a good thing I've read the books or it would be really hard keeping all these bearded old white guys straight - I don't want to sound racist but they all look the same).  I spotted Burn Gorman amongst them today too, aka Owen from Torchwood, for whom I have always had a soft spot despite his propensity for playing unpleasant little squits.  No Davos or Joffrey or Margaery this week (boo) and no Sansa or Bran either (some kind of noise that is like shrugging, only noise), with only the briefest of Greyjoys (have a drink on me, show), but really I only notice who wasn't there when I'm writing these blogs and cannot make inappropriate comments about them - another testament to how well balanced this show is.

What really made this episode stand out, though, was the little moments.  There must have always been a temptation to hurtle through the books at breakneck speed, cramming in as many events as possible (including quite a few broken necks), but the series has now fully established itself as an entity in its own right, going at its own pace.  The fact that it can afford to lie back and toss us a delightful scene about Podrick Payne being a sex genius or Hot Pie baking unconvincing wolf bread for Arya (reminding me that Gendry is one of my many favouritest characters ever in the process) is fantastic.  It also brings an actual sense of suspense to a series where, largely, I know what happens: these characters are different, and stand on their own two feet quite apart from their book counterparts.  Because of slight but clever deviations from the source material, I'm genuinely not sure where the whole Theon and Simon from Misfits thing is going, though I have grave (and gruesome) suspicions - likewise Arya and Gendry's jaunt through Sherwood Forest with the Merry Men.  Sorry, Brotherhood Without Banners (but really now).  All in all, another great episode that displays a consummate skill for storytelling.  Is it next week yet?

This week's winner: Argh.  I am starting to see the flaw in trying to compare an episodic piece of new writing with a serialisation of familiar source material, but let it never be said that I don't commit to my bad ideas.  'Cold War' was certainly some of Gatiss' best work yet, and a great showcase for Clara, but with some plot and pacing problems.  'Walk of Punishment' wasn't quite as entertaining as last week's episode, but contained some things I've been desperately hanging on to see and some lovely added bonuses too.  Really difficult, but I'm going to say 'Cold War' just pips it - we already know Game of Thrones is excellent television but I'm still waiting for it to blow me out the water, whereas Doctor Who reached a rare level of sophistication.  Beautiful work on both sides.


*I've just checked and the Guardian's Doctor Who blog has used the exact same comparison minus The Thing, which is a) unsurprising as it's a very good comparison but b) extremely annoying so you'll have to take it on faith that I got there first, and the The Thing reference is all my own work.
**I can only assume his absence from this week's Game of Thrones can be explained by the note he left on Stannis' pillow saying "Gon 2 cptn sub.  BRB.  Miss u.  Davs. xoxo"
***Also a callback to the Christmas episode dialogue on the roof - this is the second occasion that Our Clara has echoed something one of Other Claras has said.
****Totally called that Skaldak's daughter thing, btdubs.  In fact, it's what I would have done.  I definitely would not have, say, whimpered in a corner and then propositioned Matt Smith in light of our impending deaths.
*****With Pete Campbell.  You would definitely watch that gameshow.

All the Feelings: 'The Rings of Akhaten' (Doctor Who) and 'Dark Wings, Dark Words' (Game of Thrones) Reviews

Two very different episodes, two very loud cries of fangirlish glee.  Television is definitely better than people.

Doctor Who Series 7, Part 2, Episode 2: The Rings of Akhaten

I'll say it now, there's no way I'm reviewing this episode objectively.  It was strongly reminiscent of 2007's 'Gridlock' (David Tennant, kittens), not only in aesthetic terms but in my reaction to it, i.e. I know it was in all honesty not the best but SINGING and THE DOCTOR and A CUTE THING and OVERTLY MESSIANIC SPEECHES and come on now, so many points for trying.  I swear to god, I would have teared up if I hadn't been watching with my mum, who has a very low tolerance threshold for sci-fi and fantasy.  When I showed her the trailer for The Hobbit, she giggled uncontrollably and asked me what Martin Freeman thought he was doing, to which I huffily replied, "HE'S GOING ON AN ADVENTURE."

Well, I was right about one thing: the episode started with the Doctor delving into Clara's past like a box of delicious chocolates.  Presumably no-one has ever told the writers of this show that there are potentially bad connotations to allowing a man whose face is able to twist into seemingly infinite contortions to sit behind a Beano and a pair of NHS specs staring fixedly at young children because Matt Smith + Children = Always Everything Good Ever.  Children are a bit of a recurring theme for Moffat, clearly, and not just the "wait here, I'll be back in ten years" trope.  If you can talk to children, you're good news in the Whoniverse - in Nicholas Sparks adaptations it's boats, here it's children.  (Sorry Mark Kermode, I stole your joke.)  On the one hand, it's a way of reminding all of the intensely-gazing mouth-breathers watching (it's only okay when I say it) that this is a children's show and do try not to crash the internet on your way out, but on the other hand it's often written with a knowingness that belies the adult perspective it's being written from and for - I think it's now obligatory for every child that turns up on Doctor Who to Teach The Doctor A Valuable Lesson and Be Very Unimpressed By Him Because Children Are Discerning.  I'm thinking more of the mini-prequal Moffat wrote (here) than this episode because, to be fair, the Queen of Years was more straight up creepy.

Speaking of children and growing and changing and whatever other spurious segue I can make here, it was a rite of passage this week, as Clara took her first trip into space.  I always wondered why more companions don't go for the 'back in time' option, personally, but then again I've had my first TARDIS trip planned since I was seventeen ("The South Bank 1599, leave off the brakes and I'll tip extra"*). Clara continues to grow on me, with Jenna-Louise Coleman elegantly avoiding the pitfall of choosing between 'smart' and 'kind' and instead showing herself to be extremely adept at both.  This bodes badly for the blog, of course, as I am generally only able to convey either extreme rage and/or despair (Amy) and extreme worship and/or lust (River Song).  Currently Clara lies somewhere along this axis at a point marked "warm respect".  But, y'know, I warmly respect the hell out of her.

So yes, I know the pacing was all wrong and the plot was predictable but it was comfy - it felt, again and at long last, like a proper episode.  It had aliens called Doreen and Indiana Jones references and a child in peril and obligatory alien forehead bumps and Matt Smith stood in front of a big orange glowy thing and said things that hit all the right spots** about stories and how we were all forged in the heart of a star and days that will never come being infinite and all that overreaching, grandiose bollocks that shouldn't work but really, really really does.  I love Doctor Who most when it forgets that it should just be a funny Saturday tea time show.  I love the fact that the people making it so clearly and earnestly believe in its importance, and I love how readily this is accepted by the people that watch it.  I love it because it takes everything that just shouldn't work, shoves it into a blender and shrugs majestically when it works, and when it doesn't.  Maybe I'm feeling sentimental because the show is approaching its 50th anniversary but it's episodes like this, largely underwhelming yet still able to pull off moments of frankly hubristic grandeur, that prove its uniqueness.  All in all, a showcase of the most familiar comforts of Who.

On a similar note, I just watched this trailer for the 50th Anniversary Special comprised of bits of all eleven Doctors and now I'm crying.  Crying.  Like, actual tears.  At a trailer.  I fear I may be blind by the end of the real thing.


Game of Thrones Series 3, Episode 2: Dark Wings, Dark Words

Because I am cold and heartless, I don't give many fucks about Bran and his Whiny Quest of Leglessness, so it was with a sinking sensation that I watched the opening of this week's episode.  However, I am glad to report I had not accounted for several things:

a) Bran has, hilariously, hit puberty in the, er, week between when we last saw him and now.
b) Bran who is, I say again, going through puberty, dreams about his brothers (it's only okay when I do it).
c)  Bran also has Jojen Reed turning up in his dreams, missing 'enigmatic' by a country mile and landing squarely on 'fucking smug'.  So it's at least faithful to the books, then.

Even better, when Jojen turns up for realsies later on (accompanied by his sister Meera, who is awesome), everything he says sounds like a come-on. "What else did you see?" asks Bran throatily, discussing second sight with his new bro.  "The only thing that matters," says Jojen staring into his eyes.  "You."  That's not fanfiction.  That's the script.  Who knows, Bran's Whiny Quest of Leglessness Now With Added Homoeroticism may become my favourite part of the series.

Anyway, after a scene with the second least interesting Starks (Robb and Catelyn***), in which the writers desperately try to justify Robb's Wife as a character, there comes the first real thrill of the episode: everyone's favourite odd couple, Jaime "Family First" Lannister**** and Brienne "Of" Tarth.  Hi Jaime and Brienne!  Hello also to Jamie's accent, which is rejoining us after a brief holiday.  It must have been hard for Jaime, growing up as the incongruously Scandinavian Lannister sibling.  Gifts of herring every feast day when the others get cloaks and swords and the like.  Anyway Jaime's game plan as of this moment seems to be a Westeros variant on "Are we there yet?" leaving poor, put-upon Brienne to shout that so help her, if she has to come back there, she will turn around back to Harrenhal and there will be no sexual tension for anybody.  His back up plan seems to be a Westeros variant on "lol u fancied Renly he was gay", but hey, it's working.  Just sit back and watch the magic happen.

Joffrey and Cersei next and, worryingly, I think I'm actually starting to enjoy Joffrey's scenes.  Then again, he has not yet forced prostitutes to beat each other this series, so there's still time.  Essentially, he acts exactly how every teenage king ever would and has acted times a factor of a thousand dicks.  Shae counsels Sansa on the wisdom of forming an alliance with a dude who sleeps with a lock of your mother's hair under his pillow.  Three seasons in and Sansa's gaydar is still not functional as she starts batting her eyelids at Loras "Rough Trade" Tyrell before being led off to tea with Margaery Tyrell and her grandmother, Diana Rigg.  Lady Di is, as always, a treat and I'm very much enjoying Natalie Dormer's scheming, butter-wouldn't-melt Margaery (in all seriousness, one of the things the series does very well is take the non-point of view characters from the books and go "fuck that ambiguity").  The later scene between Joffrey and Margaery is frankly brilliant, as Margaery starts to unpick what poor romantic Sansa never could, i.e. how to control a petulant teenage psychopath with near-absolute political power, using only a crossbow and some cleavage.

Not only did we get Diana Rigg this week but another pleasing addition to the cast in the form of Mackenzie Crooke doing Ambiguous Wildling Animal Magic.  One of the strengths of the series (both book and television) is how sparing it is with the magic - so sparing, in fact, that I occasionally forget about it altogether but being reminded by Mackenzie Crooke's nigh-on Lovecraftian features is perfectly acceptable.  Anyway, here he is alongside Jon Snow's girlfriend casting yet another withering look in Jon Snow's bewildered direction.  Bless, it's not his fault - no-one ever sat him down to explain the birds and the bees, as demonstrated by a long and actually pretty well done scene between Catelyn and Robb's Wife of which the gist was "oh man Jon Snow he ruins everything and basically we're all going to die now".  Cut to Jon Snow's lower lip quivering several hundred miles north of there.  His Woobie Sense is tingling.

But there's not much time to dwell on Jon Snow and his implausibly tousled hair because ARYA!  Damn, girl, where have you been?  I've had to sit through, like, five Sansa scenes already. Anyway in her three odd minutes of screen time, Arya manages to be at least thirteen times more awesome than anyone except Tyrion, encountering the Brotherhood Without Banners (apparently some kind of eco-terrorist organisation in this incarnation, led by Paul Kaye, another winning casting choice) without flinching.  Well, last season she did make time in her busy schedule of kicking ass and taking names to give to Faceless Men for one on one chats with Tywin Lannister.  Speaking of Lannisters, I thought we were a bit Tyrion-light, though as I said last week, we won't be seeing everyone regularly from here on out (no Dany either, surprisingly).  HBO has shown stunning good sense thus far in not inflicting on us more time with the Greyjoys than is strictly necessary - just a brief glimpse of Theon being tortured, and given spurious hope by Simon from Misfits, and I don't think anyone will be complaining about that.  Anyhow, sneaking in at 37 minutes is Tyrion who manages to be a total boss even when a prostitute is squeezing his face with one hand.

Back to Brienne and Jaime for the final treat, I didn't think we'd get to see them fight so early in the series.  It is, as expected, excellently and believably done, in part because Jaime insists on commentating like that one irritating kid playing football at school, in part because Brienne rolls her eyes and advances on him almost casually, only to be stopped by a brace of Boltons looking for Jaime's head.  End of episode.

All in all, an extremely satisfying affair.  Still not quite the balls-to-the-wall-awesome I'm waiting for but it's early days yet.  Like the series opener, there was a lot to set up, new characters to introduce, etc but there were also enough returning favourites (Brienne, Meera, ARYA) and unfavourites made palatable (Bran) that I enjoyed it start to finish.  The plotlines were juggled beautifully, the scene shifts were seamless, the dialogue was as (nay, more) impressive than the action and the performances were pretty flawless.  Keep it up, Game of Thrones, this is frighteningly good stuff.


This week's winner: Game of Thrones.  It was tough one because 'The Rings of Akhaten' had me feeling all the feelings there ever were, but I know in my heart it was a ropey episode with a few good set pieces.  'Dark Wings, Dark Words', on the other hand, had accelerated enough to be consistently excellent all the way through with its series of odd-couples, and, with all of the players now in place, marks the recommencing of the game fo' srs.  Makes you just want a grab and sword and kill something, really.

*I am aware that Martha Jones has somewhat stolen my thunder on this one, but I do an excellent impression of someone who doesn't know that Martha Jones ever existed.  The main difference is that they're smiling.
** I meant emotional spots, you perverts.
***This is unfair.  I forget Sansa.
****I toyed with Jaime "I'll Slay Your King" Lannister, but it's really hard to communicate the subtle intonation of the innuendo over the internet.